Photo: Halfpoint/Shutterstock

How to Piss Off Everyone Else at the Festival

Restaurants + Bars
by Dikson May 8, 2014
Come up with lists of what you drank / shoved in your mouth / butt the night before.

No one likes a jackass boasting about their shot-taking prowess or pill-popping ability. No, we don’t care if the spliff you rolled was as long as one of your limbs or if you can recite the list of drinks you ploughed through like it’s the special menu at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Throw mud at people you don’t know.

So it rained, and the festival grounds are more like pools than fields, and mud seems to get everywhere — it can make a festival epically memorable, but the last thing anyone wants is to be hit in the face with a mud ball by some random festive version of the Swamp Thing. Enjoy rolling around in it if you didn’t get to jump in puddles enough as a kid, no need to involve the rest of us, thanks, everyone.

Proclaim that the show you went to see was better than everyone else’s choice.

Similar to the drink lister, don’t be a one-upper of any kind.

Complain about the festival while it’s still going on.

On the other hand, don’t be a downer and whinge about the weather, lineup, or lack of quality food stalls at the festival…vibe killer.

Come unbelievably well prepared.

Some of us don’t have 20-person tents with built-in pizza ovens. We’ll be camped next to you eating canned tuna, noodles, and cream cheese on stale bread.

Keep talking about a different festival that was much better.

Another breed of vibe killer.

Constantly complain about the toilets.

You’re at a festival.

Tell the DJ / band what to play.

If you managed to get close enough to a DJ in one of the smaller tents, why not tell them what to play? That’ll go down super well.

Fuck with other people’s tents.

If you’re having fun play-fighting outside someone’s tent, that’s awesome, enjoy yourself. The moment you start body slamming your fellow fighters into someone else’s tent, you’re just being a dick.

Bring nothing, expect everything.

I’ve had nothing at a festival on the final day — it’s pretty rough, and I’ve seen the lack of love that overcomes most people when you have nothing. You may be luckier at a reggae or psy trance festival, but then again that’s where I was, and cigarettes and water were offered begrudgingly.

Discover Matador