1. Make bacon jokes, constantly.
North America is obsessed with bacon. I’m not sure where the phenomenon came from — but when I think about it hard enough, I say it’s just to piss off the vegetarians, the Muslims, and the Jews all at once. Insist on calling your morning breakfast “Babe,” make oinking noises while eating, and comment on the meal your vegetarian friend just made you by saying, “It would taste even better with bacon.”
Behind our forced smile, all we want is to tie you to a chair and force marinated seitan into your dirty mouth.
2. Pull a rabbit, a chicken, or a cow out of your sleeve.
If you used up all your bacon jokes, here’s another trick to trigger fury in your (soon-to-be-ex) friend: Make a delicious lentil curry, let the aroma spread around your kitchen to fool your prey, and when it’s finally time for everyone to sit down for supper, drop the bomb:
“You don’t mind if I used chicken broth to cook the lentils, do you?”
For added rage, act annoyed: sigh loudly and look offended when we tell you that, yes, in fact, we do mind, because chicken broth is basically chicken juice, and vegetarians don’t eat chicken.
3. Fake it.
“I am a vegetarian too…”
Suddenly that dinner party doesn’t seem so bad anymore! We have an ally, somebody who understands that we’re not a weirdo, somebody who will support us when the aforementioned jokes come our way!
“…but I eat a bit of chicken and fish for protein.”
Now all we want to do is give you an onerous lecture on nutrition and the meaning of vegetarianism. Stop calling yourself a vegetarian and hide before your pants catch on fire.
4. Explain how much you love animals.
So the sight of a morally-responsible person made you realize you’re participating in mass murder when you eat meat, and you can’t help but try to make yourself look better in our eyes.
“I love animals, you know. I have a dog and I love him. I would never kill an innocent creature. I mean, really, I would never be able to hunt anything, but I love eating meat.”
Who said cognitive dissonance was a bad thing? You certainly wouldn’t want to be dragged down into that sad plant-based pit we inhabit. But you don’t have to be, because you’re a good person who loves animals. You’re free as a bird… not the factory-farmed kind, obviously — one of the cute innocent ones.
5. Ask us what we cook at home.
Every time I go and visit my family and friends in France, I have to deal with their questions about what I cook for myself. (Note to fellow veggies: France is NOT vegetarian-friendly.)
“You don’t eat fish, right?”
“No, I don’t. Fish are animals, remember?”
“So, what do you eat at home? ‘Cause when you come over, I just lose it, it takes me forever to figure out what I’m going to cook for you.”
“Well, I make chillies, hummus, curries, soups…”
“Hmm, none of those sound very good.”
That’s right meat-eater! Make them list all the dishes they make at home, reject their answers, or, even better, ask for the recipes and never use them so you can ask them the very same questions over and over for decades to come.
6. Worry for our health.
Advise us to take a blood test, mention that we do look quite pale, and furrow your brow before saying that you’re quite certain the lack of protein is slowly destroying our system. After that, sit back and watch the fireworks coming out of our ears.
7. Become a vegan.
Vegetarians are just weak vegans. We feel threatened by these super humans who’ve managed to stay away from cheese more than two days in a row. We know we can’t mess with them, because they’re the only ones next to whom we feel dietarily inferior.
So if you really want to piss off your vegetarian friend, go vegan.