1. Make bacon jokes, constantly.
North America is obsessed with bacon. I’m not sure where the phenomenon came from — but when I think about it hard enough, I say it’s just to piss off the vegetarians, the Muslims, and the Jews all at once. Insist on calling your morning breakfast “Babe,” make oinking noises while eating, and comment on the meal your vegetarian friend just made you by saying, “It would taste even better with bacon.”
Behind our forced smile, all we want is to tie you to a chair and force marinated seitan into your dirty mouth.