The opening scene of Office Space – when the main character is stuck in a traffic jam and an old man with a stroller beats him to the end of the street – was filmed in Dallas. It’s not as though traffic and bad drivers are complaints unique to Texas. But when there’s a traffic jam on I-10 and you’re stuck in 100+ degree heat and having to choose between turning off your AC to save your engine; or leaving it on and saving yourself, then you know you’re in Texas traffic.
2. How bad the Tex-Mex is outside of Texas
Not real Mexican, but Tex-Mex – the greasy, salty, wickedly delicious concoction of foods that only Texans truly appreciate. I don’t know why it’s impossible to find decent fajitas in other major metropolises. I can only conclude that 49 states decided they wanted Texans to stay in their home state. As the Texas band Bowling for Soup has said, “The Mexican food sucks north of here anyway…”
3. How much non-Texans complain about the heat
We know to watch our butts when there’s a searing hot seat belt buckle in our cars – and just how many beers it will take before we stop sweating (…maybe). Southerners generally know these wisdoms. Most non-Texans don’t have a clue, and love to fan themselves with tourist pamphlets, making guttural sounds and expecting sympathy. Not from us.
4. The bars stop serving at 2 AM
Residents of every state have their own gripes when it comes to liquor laws – and most people adjust their expectations accordingly. Nonetheless, I’ve often heard born-and-raised Texans whining to bartenders about the injustice of a 2 AM cutoff for alcohol; and the vicious Texas liquor laws’ cruelty to those who want to buy a beer before noon on Sunday – and didn’t think ahead.
5. Any temperature below 50 degrees
Just at fifty degrees, our carefully assembled wardrobe of t-shirts and shorts become useless and the Facebook posts about how cold it is start pouring in.
Just kidding. We don’t pay state income tax, suckers.
7. Out of state football teams playing here, much less winning
I was indoctrinated to believe OU football was the devil during my time at UT. Don’t worry, there aren’t any lingering feelings of wanting to destroy them on the field… none that I’ll show, anyway. While there’s certainly some healthy competition between Texas teams, having another state swoop in and even try to win can bring out the ire in every Texan.
8. Where you can take your guns
When it comes to open carrying, think of Texas as New York before the smoking ban. Except we don’t want to smoke in courthouses and movie theaters: we want to bring our guns with us. When open carry became legal a while back, nearly every business open to the public responded by posting signs stating they would not allow customers who open carry. As a result, gun owners are still seething from the loss of their “rights.”
Die, you blood-sucking parasites.
10. Non-Texans moving to Texas
You’re the reason housing prices are so high in Austin. You’re the reason there’s just a little more traffic than there should be. We welcome your money and your jobs, but can’t you just stay in LA?