11 Ways To Humiliate Yourself in Wisconsin
1. Not knowing the basics about the Packers.
It’s okay if you are not an expert, but to not make a fool of yourself and be able to hold your own with basic small talk in Wisconsin, you should at least know the names of the coach and quarterback of the Packers. Another important fact to memorize is that we are definitely going to win the Super Bowl next year (whatever year that is).
2. Falling on black ice because you didn’t dress for the weather.
It happens to the best of us. The sun is shining and you are confidently walking down the street thinking that winter is actually not so bad and before you know it, you are kissing your knees and cursing whoever’s idea it was to make you live in Wisconsin. There’s no shame in that, especially if no one saw it — that pretty much means it never happened. However, if you fall because you are wearing those cute flats you bought from an off-season sale, then it’s your own fault and everyone is allowed to point and laugh.
3. Not knowing that Minneapolis is not in Wisconsin.
They just hosted the Super Bowl this year, we will win the Super Bowl next year.
4. Thinking everyone in Wisconsin is white and German.
Demographically, Wisconsin is definitely not California, but that doesn’t mean everyone in the state is white and walks around in lederhosen. Not only will you be missing out on some of the most vibrant parts of the state if you overlook the many active and growing communities of color, you will also sound pretty dumb.
5. Ordering a Budweiser at a local brewery.
You might as well go drink from the bubbler. And then just keep walking to that door and never come back.
6. Not singing “Roll Out the Barrel” at a Brewers game.
If you don’t get up and sing your heart out, you may get beer thrown at you. Just kidding, we wouldn’t waste our liquid gold on a party pooper like you!
7. Going to Wolski’s and not come home with a bumper sticker.
If you set foot in Wolski’s and don’t come out with that white and blue beauty to stick on the back of your car or proudly wear it around on your forehead the next day, you might as well get out of the state already.
8. Think that Milwaukee is like in the movie “Love Actually”.
We are honored to be brought to the world’s attention every year when families host their annual Christmas movie marathons, but we want to set the record straight about a few things. If you arrive in Milwaukee thinking that three random girls with Texas-sounding accents and nowhere-near-winter-appropriate attire will pick you up at a bar mysteriously serving only Budweiser, you are very much mistaken.
9. Interrupt someone during a Packers game.
Don’t call your aunt to catch up or confirm plans for next week if the Packers are playing or expect her to block your number before you can even say “cheese curd.”
10. Show up in Milwaukee on the 4th of July and expect fireworks.
Just make sure you change your red, white, and blue outfit into a blue and gold one before the next Brewer’s game and we might let you stay to see the fireworks at Miller Park when we score a home run.
11. Ask where the Indian Motorcycle factory in Milwaukee is.
Wisconsin is Harley-Davidson turf and here we definitely know who makes the fastest, baddest, and best-designed American motorcycle around.