Photo: Andriy Blokhin/Shutterstock

18 Fears Only New Mexicans Understand

New Mexico
by Zoe Baillargeon Mar 26, 2018

New Mexicans don’t scare easy. We live in a hot, dry, scorched desert where fires rage during the summer and wild animals like bears and mountain lions just wander into town. We have snakes, flash floods, and alien abductions. We can handle pretty much anything. But there are some things that will strike instant fear into the heart of any red-blooded New Mexican, like these 18 fears.

1. Juniper season

When the whole state descends into a collective state of runny-nosed, red-eyed, dry-throated misery. And we all plot the slow, painful deaths of those who don’t have a juniper allergy.

2. When the chile isn’t hot enough

You said this would be hot. It isn’t hot. This is tepid. This is mild. This is barely chile. This betrayal will not be tolerated. You will be hearing from my lawyers.

3. When the store runs out of chile during roasting season

This is how riots start.

4. When you run out of your roasted green chile midway through the year

Oh god, I’m gonna have to spend the rest of the year buying *gags* pre-roasted store-bought…

5. When someone breaks out 4 Loko at a party but you have work in the morning

It’s like that meme of Kermit and evil Kermit.

“I have work in the morning!”

“Drink four cans and then pass out on the sidewalk.”

6. No snow for skiing.

We literally don’t know what to do with ourselves during the winter months if we’re not on the mountains shredding. We just sit at home and get fat eating posole and tortillas.

7. When it snows in May

Winter has been over for months, New Mexico. Get with the program.

8. When someone visiting from out of town says they want to go to one of the Santa Fe summer art markets

Oh god, the crowds! THE CROWDS!

9. When spring comes

Thus bringing the winds of hell.

10. When you just washed your car and see storm clouds on the horizon

Every. Damn. Time.

11. When an out-of-towner says they want the hottest level of chile

You know they’re gonna die, but nothing you say can convince them otherwise. Better start writing that eulogy.

12. When it’s fire season

We’re the state that Smokey the Bear comes from for a reason. The whole state is a powder keg ready to go up in flames if someone even thinks the word fire.

13. Not getting enough tortillas to go with our meal

The ratio of tortillas to fajitas or refried beans is never, ever enough.

14. Or not getting enough sopaipillas for dessert

I would fight my own mother for that last warm, fluffy piece of heaven.

15. Being asked about Breaking Bad

We imagine that people from Baltimore feel the same way being asked about The Wire. Yes, it’s a good show, but we’re kind of sick of talking about it.

16. When you and three other cars pull up to a four-way stop

Who goes first? Someone just drive so we know whose turn it is!

17. People asking if New Mexico is a part of Mexico

The fear is more about the stupidity of people who ask this question than actual fear.

18. Being abducted by either La Llorona or aliens.

Hey, it happens.

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