It’s no secret that Californians get a lot of hate, especially from cities like Portland where we’ve flocked to in large enough droves to send housing prices skyward, but most of these negative out-of-state assumptions are based on classic California stereotypes that don’t represent the majority of Californians. However, stereotypes exist for a reason and these people do exist, albeit in far fewer numbers than most Midwesterners think. The problem is, it’s just too easy to love to hate these guys.
1. The Juicer
The juicer is that person who jumps on every “health” fad that has ever graced the headline of The Enquirer. They prefer Instagram-able pseudo-science to peer-reviewed evidence and are far more likely to sip their latest green goo on the way to a sedentary job than the gym. Never ask the juicer about their current diet, it will not go well.
2. The Hollywood Bunny or Boy Toy
This person moved to California to be an actor or actress and will continue to tell their friends back home about their star-studded lives even when the extent of their fame was serving Oprah coffee once. They spend their days honing their perfect bodies in hopes of making it to the big screen one day and, let’s be honest, we all hate them sometimes.
3. The Militant Vegan
Unlike the juicer, this person does not wait for you to ask, they will make sure you know they’re vegan the minute you meet. They refuse to eat anything that has touched meat and will regale you with horror stories of factory farming if you so much as touch a burger in their presence. The militant vegan believes in the value of all life, but makes an exception for anyone who eats meat. The militant vegan is almost impossible to take out to dinner.
4. The Meathead
On the flip side of the scale, we have the meathead. The meathead works out compulsively and consumes enough protein for a small village. Their only topics of conversation are back day, arm day, and leg day and their favorite activity is not-so-subtly checking out their biceps in the gym mirror. They aspire to be the Govenator or the man who rollerblades around Venice Beach wearing nothing but a leopard print thong.
5. The New Age Spiritualist
Likely living in Ojai or some other appropriately expensive cosmic center of the universe, the new age spiritualist loves homemade soap and astrology. They believe in the power of crystals and the evil of GMOs. Beware of the baked goods at their dinner parties, you may end up stoned and petting a llama named Dolly.
6. The Porsche Douche Bag
Native to either Pacific Heights or Bel-Air, the Porsche douche bag has too much money for his/her own good. They tear through residential tracks at 55 mph just because they spent $200,000 on a car and are engaged in a constant struggle to assert their dominance over everyone in their vicinity. However, they do not tip at Starbucks.
Now that I’ve generalized with excessive crassness and cheek, it is important to say that while you may come across a handful of these stereotypes, they do not represent California. Yes, we have our lovers of fads and fancy cars, but so does every other state and the majority of us are pretty damn normal. And no, we do not know anyone famous.
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