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How to Confuse a Wisconsinite

by Katie Hinkfuss Sep 5, 2018

Wisconsinites are a bright bunch. We know when it’s the right moment to switch from brandy to beer and we do pretty well on national education rankings. But some things still leave us befuddled. Whether it’s the assumption that we’re all German or the lack of knowledge surrounding the monumental importance of our state football team, here are 10 ways to confuse a Wisconsinite.

1. Praise the cheese selection in an out-of-state store.

If your grocery store doesn’t have at least an entire aisle dedicated to this dairy product, expect blank stares from Wisconsinites. After all, in Wisconsin there are 11 types of Sartori Bellavitano alone!

2. Say you don’t have anything to do during the summer.

With a different festival or event practically every day or night of the summer, there’s no excuse to not have plans and stay inside when you could be out enjoying the universe’s way of apologizing for winter.

3. Ask us who we’re cheering for during a Packers game.

In a state where people are added to the waiting list for season tickets at birth (and still have to wait 30 years), this is a silly question and will cause cheeseheads to look around for another TV set.

4. Assume everyone in Wisconsin has German heritage.

It’s true that Milwaukee is known as the US’s German city and many residents have last names that surely used to have umlauts. But, this is an old-fashioned cliché. After all, the lederhosen-wearing Brett Wurst is just one of five racing sausages at Brewers games.

5. Ask if the Packers’ third color is orange.

Wisconsinites are so accustomed to seeing people walk around in hunters’ orange (especially when you want to keep warm!) that they will have no idea what you’re talking about when you ask about the green, gold, and orange colors they observe at Lambeau Field.

6. Invite us to a game and then tell us to meet right before kick-off.

If there’s no tailgating involved, we’re missing half of the experience. Rain, shine, or extreme blizzard, we’ll be there. No parking lot should be empty.

7. Assume we’ve never eaten a decent taco before.

It may be true that Wisconsinites love brats and beer just as much as any resident of Munich, but that doesn’t mean that’s all we eat. The state is full of an increasingly diverse population who have brought their rich culinary traditions with them, ensuring that many cheeseheads finally see Taco Bell for what it really is.

8. Put your grill away in the winter.

Grilling is a year-round affair. Why would you settle for mediocre stove-cooked meat for any part of the year?

9. Say that Cape Cod is the best place to vacation by the water.

Why vacation on a cape when you could on a peninsula? For many Wisconsinites, vacation doesn’t get much better than Door County.

10. Ask a Packers fan to recall the last year we won a Super Bowl.

Packers fans are so convinced of the team’s greatness that even though we haven’t gone all the way since 2011, it kind of always feels like we’re winners. Make a cheesehead sit down and actually count the years and prepare to see a perplexed expression eventually emerge.

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