Photo: Jeff Bukowski/Shutterstock

How to Confuse Someone From Wisconsin

by Sarah Puckett Feb 22, 2019

There are certain things that are simply unheard of in Wisconsin. If you’re going to the ATM instead of the TYME machine, adopting a vegan diet, or ridding your closet of any green and yellow clothing, you’re bound to befuddle a Wisconsinite. Here are nine more ways to confuse someone from Wisconsin.

1. Offer them a non-alcoholic beer.

“Non-alcoholic beer” is basically an oxymoron to a Wisconsinite. It’s simply not a concept we have, and merely mentioning such a thing will leave us wondering why we’re even hanging out with you.

2. Don’t have at least one polka at your wedding.

Are your vows even legal if you and your entire extended family don’t seal the deal with an enthusiastic polka?

3. Mention that you’re grilling up some brats and burgers, but then don’t invite us over.

It’s just as audacious as serving meat without ketchup.

4. Sell your season tickets to the Packers game.

A family heirloom more precious than our grandmothers’ hand-stitched quilts, season tickets should be passed down in the family and never, ever, be sold.

5. Consider it cold in September.

If it’s 30 degrees with snow flurries in September, it’s still shorts weather.

6. Say you’ve never tried venison.

Every self-respecting Wisconsinite has at least two freezers full of the stuff. If you’ve never tried venison, we will certainly worry about your protein and iron intake.

7. Don’t own a boat.

Every Wisconsinite needs a boat, or at least a friend with a boat. We may not be on the coast, but we have more lakes than anywhere else in the lower 48, and we know how to use them.

8. Complain that there’s nothing to do outside in the winter.

Winter is prime time for hunting, snowmobiling, cross-country skiing, snowshoeing, and ice fishing. With so much freezing fun to have, winter in Wisconsin may just be the best time of year to be outside.

9. Mention vegan cheese.

Vegan cheese might as well be cardboard, plastic, or any other non-edible material. We’ll never go near the stuff, let alone put it on our burger or our game day snack platter.

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