YouPorn clearly understands its short films don’t reflect reality.
Where in your typical YouPorn video, one doesn’t need to say much other than “I don’t have enough money for that pizza” to hook up, in the real world it usually involves a little more communication. So as a way to help international spring breakers find flings in foreign tongues, it’s launching the most useful language app in history.
Today YouPorn launched Sexy Lingo, an app that helps you learn basic phrases, flirt, and ultimately seal the deal in four languages. It gives lessons in English, Spanish, French, and Portuguese, teaching you everything from the proper way to say hello to telling your partner that no, the sex was bad.
Working your way up from “Hello!”
At first, Sexy Lingo works just like every other basic language app, teaching nouns, pronouns, and short phrases with multiple choice and short answer questions, often accompanied by helpful pictures.
Even though it’s run by YouPorn, you’ll still be learning such un-sexy questions as “What time is it?” and “Where is the restaurant?” because even in Rio it’s best not to lead with “Are you on the pill?”
But after that, things get interesting.
Once finishing “The Basics” and “Starting a Conversation,” you’ll move to “Flirting,” which through three lessons progresses a little like a night out at a bar. First, you’ll learn to say things like “The guy is cute,” then “Your jokes are funny.” Then, assuming you’d like to get to know each other a little better over late-night falafel, “What kind of food do you feel like eating?”
The flirting section ends with the third lesson, with useful phrases like “Can we go somewhere else to talk?” and “Do you want to come home with me?”
If the answer is “Not tonight, but how long are you in town?” then Sexy Lingo helps you learn how to prepare for the international DM slide, with helpful phrases like “Can I follow you on Instagram?” and “Are you on Facebook?”
Then it gets real juicy in the final section: “Intimate.”
Being the socially responsible pornographers they are, YouPorn begins this section by teaching you how to establish consent by asking “Can I kiss you?,” “Do you like that?,” and “Should we stop?” Remember these, they’re the most important part of the whole lesson.
After that, you’ll at least learn the word for foreplay, but not how to properly do it. The app will also educate you on slang terms for other various sex acts. And, yes, there are helpful, very NSFW pictures for these too.
Finally, it’s time to learn in-sex communication in “Bedroom Talk.” Here, with the aid of helpful diagrams, you’ll learn how to properly ask if your partner is about to orgasm, which in Spanish looks like it’s dangerously close to asking them if they’re a stoplight.
It ends by teaching you how to invite your partner to stay over. Sadly, if you’re not about overnights there is no lesson on the proper way to say, “So should I call you an Uber, or…”
So while hooking up in other countries will never be as easy for you as it is for the lucky pizza delivery guy on YouPorn, at least it can be a little less awkward if you study up on Sexy Lingo. Part entertainment and part education, it’s an invaluable app for anyone going to a foreign country this spring break, or any time really. Just be sure to study the answers carefully, but not the ones with helpful diagrams for too long if you’re in public.