While Obama plays basketball and Putin saves Siberian tigers, no world leader has yet to live up to the amazing accomplishments of the now-deceased Dear Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il. From being born under an ominous double rainbow to inventing the hamburger, we remember the best moments of his sadly amusing accomplishments. May he rest in state-run peace.
His birth was something amazing.
So sayeth the keeper of North Korean history: The Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il was born inside of a log cabin beneath Korea’s most sacred mountain, where upon the moment he came into this world, a shooting star brought forth a spontaneous change from winter to summer, and for the icing on the birthday cake: a double rainbow.
Or, according to those misguided folks beyond North Korean borders: he was born in a remote military encampment in Siberia, where his father underwent training from the Soviets.
I’d prefer the double rainbows, too.
He never pooped. (Not even a little.)
The official state-issued biography of Kim Jong-Il states that the Dear Leader does not answer to bowel movements like ordinary humans–in fact, he doesn’t defecate or urinate at all.
No wonder he’s so full of…well, you get the idea.
He only ate perfectly-sized rice.
Due to his discriminating palette, the Dear Leader employed a number of staff members whose sole responsibility was to inspect every grain of rice by hand to ensure each piece was of uniform length, plumpness, and color.
But honestly, is there anything worse than slightly overplump rice?
He was one bad-ass golfer.
During a single round of golf, Kim Jong Il shot a 38 under par–25 shots better than the best round in history. No sweat, it was his first time. He also hit a slightly above-average five hole-in-ones.
He invented the hamburger and knew how to cure world hunger.
Back in 1994, the North Korean newspaper reported that the Dear Leader, in a sudden stroke of genius, invented a new sandwich he brilliantly called “double bread with meat.” He subsequently set up a large manufacturing plant to supply the nation’s universities with quality double bread meat sandwiches.
Additionally, he once heard about a German guy breeding giant, oversized rabbits. He immediately decided that continuing to breed such creatures would be the answer to the DPRK’s food shortage problems.
His taste for cognac made 50 Cent look like a PBR-swilling hipster.
For two years in the early 90′s, well before it took off as a staple of party rap culture, Kim Jong-Il was the world’s largest single buyer of Hennessy Paradis cognac.
(No, seriously, this one’s actually true.)
He was a worldwide fashion icon.
In addition to being an adult beverage trendsetter, the North Korean newspaper Radong Shinmun published an article last year by a conveniently anonymous French fashion writer about the rave reviews surrounding Kim Jong-Il’s taste in clothes. “People around the world are attracted to and following not only the jacket our Great Leader is wearing, but also his attitude, facial expressions, hand gestures, and even his handwriting,” wrote the columnist.
He cured dwarfism.
In 1989, North Korea held something known as the World Festival of youth and Students. Out of kindness, the Dear leader invented a miracle cure for “shortness” and handed out pamphlets to recruit any pint-sized North Koreans to receive treatment prior to the event.
The dwarfism vaccine turned out to be a nice dose of deportation to uninhabited islands, effectively removing the short folks from the gene pool.
In a sadly predictable twist of irony, Kim himself is only 5’3”.
Until 2003, he was the only North Korean allowed to use e-mail.
It would be a real shame if North Koreans suddenly had to deal with spammers and tacky chain letters in addition to widespread famine, poverty, and general disillusionment, so the Dear Leader ensured that such things will never happen by making him the sole bearer of an email account.
When Madeline Albright made a visit, Kim promptly asked her for her e-mail address…presumably because his contacts list was a little lacking.
He kept up a youthful appearance by regular injection of virgin human blood.
It’s unclear as to whether it was ever FDA-approved virgin blood.
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Jason Wire graduated from Vanderbilt University in 2010 and spent the year after writing and teaching English in Spain. He's back in the states now, but doesn't know where. Follow him @wirejr.
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