13 Reasons You Should Never Visit Australia
1. You prefer your scuba diving in cold water, with limited visibility.
2. You’re allergic to eucalyptus.
3. Not only would it never occur to you to slather whipped meringue with fruit and name it after a Russian ballerina, the very idea strikes you as distasteful.
4. You prefer your toast with jam or peanut butter, thank you very much.
5. You ENJOY being a type-A stress-case who works hard with no vacations. Why would you need more than one way to say “relax, everything will be fine”? “She’ll be apples”? What is that?
6. You find 30,000 year old rock paintings and petroglyphs to be boring; who cares if indigenous Australians were engraving rocks in the Burrup peninsula since long before the last ice age?
7. You hate barbecue. Nobody likes free gas-powered grills in most public spaces, where families can congregate and play cricket, eat kangaroo and veggies, and watch the ocean…
8. Beaches are better when they’re full of pebbles. White sand hurts your eyes. Coral reefs are too sharp.
9. You’re definitely not interested in birdwatching, and you don’t even own a set of binoculars.
10. You don’t really like dry heat. You definitely don’t like deserts. In fact, landscapes in general are kind of uninteresting; you seen one, you seen them all, right?
11. You have a pet cat and a dog (and maybe a budgie)…how many more animals could there be?
12. Long road trips make your butt hurt from too much sitting in the car, and you like staying on the beaten path…exploring can be too dangerous.
13. You’ve never been very interested in sports, even if they are played by attractive young men in tight shorts.
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