1. You’re never late, “you’re parking.”
Milanese never want to admit that we’re going to be late. This is why, when your friend rings you while waiting for you out in the freezing rain, you give an excuse like “I’m parking, I’ll be there in 5 minutes.” Even though you’re still at home playing Candy Crush.
2. You secretly miss Expo.
You’ll never say it out loud (because it was an awful mess), but during those 6 months Milan really felt international. And those 5 euro evening tickets were a great deal. And you still miss the lobster roll at the USA Pavillion!
3. You’re a hopeless nostalgic.
Remember Burghy? Remember the “Bruco Mela” in front of the school? Remember when you could drive in the center? Remember the yachting on Saturday afternoon?
4. Your Instagram is filled with foggy, dreamy cityscapes.
Your friends from southern Italy think Milan is foggy year-round — but guess what, it only happens a couple times a year now. Sure, when you were a kid it was a different story, from September to April you could NEVER see across the road. But when it is foggy out now, you go crazy Snap-chatting.
5. Your Christmas begins on December 7th.
Black Friday what? The run-up to Christmas begins always on the same day — December 7th, the day of Milan’s patron saint, Sant’Ambroeus (also known as Saint Ambrose in English). It is only on THAT day — not before, not after — that you put up the Christmas tree, unravel the tinsel and family lights and start thinking about presents.
6. You use the most random English words.
Your business meetings are all about “forecasts” and “quarters” and “deadlines” — even though there are perfectly good Italian words to describe these concepts. Sometimes you even turn English verbs into Italian — “to work” becomes “workare.”
7. “Let’s meet for a drink” can only mean thing: aperitivo.
Love it or hate it, you often begin a night with friends with an overpriced cocktail and a buffet of sweaty cheeses, limp salad and cold pasta — Milan’s world famous “aperitivo.” Even though they’re probably just lunch leftovers and a pizza would be so much better, you still think Milan’s aperitivo is the best in the world.
8. There’s nothing quite like sushi to you.
And of course, you know all the best Japanese chefs and would never go to one of those ‘all-you-can-eat’ places.
9. You’re a honker.
If that sweet 70-year-old lady hesitates one second when the traffic light turns green, you are sure to get furious. You honk about 15 times and throw an avalanche of expletives at her. But then you feel bad.
10. Productivity is your mantra.
You always have your credit card ready at the supermarket, and if the tourist in front of you starts fumbling with his bags, you get frustrated. If you need the shop assistant but don’t get immediate attention? You get frustrated. If you’ve been forced to wait too long in queue? You get frustrated. Milanese do not like to waste time.
11. You always walk on escalators.
12. Milan’s public transport is superior to everyone else’s.
Whenever you go to Naples or Rome you always think, “How can they get around with those awful buses and subways?” But even though Milan’s public transport is a million times better, you still moan because it’s too slow.
13. You are a champion of multi-tasking.
You can plan the next quarter’s budget and invite your friends for dinner while running on the treadmill — or do your weekly shopping, take a call from Sydney and send some flowers to your mum all at the same time.
14. You set meetings at 10.25 and 14.05.
Most people think about time in quarters. Not us Milanese. And if you have a meeting at 14.05 and by 14.07 nobody’s there, you get annoyed.
15. You love your city, but leave every weekend.
When people say bad things about Milan you get really protective and come up with a million reasons why your city is SO MUCH BETTER then their silly village in the middle of nowhere. Yet, you’re usually bound for Santa every summer and Courma every winter.