Photo: Dionysius Burton
1. You left for the North a creamy caramel but you’re back in the city looking like soy sauce.
2. You’ve blue ticked no less than three requests to help someone, somewhere with rent, sustenance or school fees.
3. You’ve stopped posting food pics to Instagram because there’s no sexy way to photograph Lucky Star and sugar water.
4. You greet free Wi-Fi with the same enthusiasm with which you swiped your debit card all December.
5. You’re on strict diet of Top Score, free office coffee, and prayer.
6. You’ve poured water into an All Gold bottle to release those last licks of tomato sauce.
7. You’ve walked around your home earmarking items suitable for Cash Converters.
8. You’ve recently become acquainted with Aweh Go.
9. You’re paying your bills from four different credit cards.
10. You curse the day you opened a 32 Day account.
11. You study the specials pamphlet at the supermarket like there’s going to be a pop quiz.
12. Your daily commute is ‘A Tale of Two Taxi Ranks’.
13. You sigh wistfully in cabs remembering all the times you said ‘tot die huis’.
14. The blind woman on Independence Avenue has more money in her donation bowl than you have left in the world.
15. You can’t remember a time before two minute noodles.
16. It’s been 14 days since your last Zinger Wing.
17. The only text messages you’re getting concern data depletion.
18. You’re clinging to a beer life on a tombo budget.
19. The social media story is that you’re embracing your natural hair. The real story is your weave girl doesn’t do hire-purchase.
20. You breeze by the baskets in Pick ‘n Pay because you only need one hand to buy maize meal.
21. Taxi drivers whose default setting is “Ogh, aye” are willing to take you anywhere. Kreine Kuppe. Locky Clest. Gobabis.
22. You’re waiting for payday with a patience usually reserved for buffering YouTube videos.
23. You’ve started rationing what food you have left and there’s a date on your calendar marked ‘The Last Supper’.
24. You’ve forgone payment on a host of non-essential items. DStv. Medical Aid. Toothpaste.
25. The Facebook story is you’re doing a social media detox. The real story is you can’t eat data.
26. You’ve found a shitty dual purpose for your favourite newspaper. Information provision and …err…
27. You’re starting to forget your ATM pin code.
28. You’re starting to forget the taste of meat.
29. You’re starting to remember what you should have turned down for
30. You’ve cancelled your 2016 subscription to KeDecember Boss.