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Dear Travelers to New Jersey: Please Don’t Come Until You’ve Understood These 6 Things

New Jersey
by Michelle DeVona Jul 20, 2016

1. Yeah, we hate Chris Christie too — so don’t give us shit about him.

Our disgust runs deep for this obnoxious, crass individual who obviously overdoes it on Italian Hot Dogs. What to start with first… hmm, let me count the ways: There’s the famous George Washington Bridge scandal, he spent taxpayer dollars to feed his fat trap, and even worse, he used Hurricane Sandy relief money for political purposes rather than helping the torn communities that needed it most. And these are just a few examples. Just look at his approval rating: Currently 26%. Yup.

2. It’s called the Garden State for a reason.

Don’t judge us on the wasteland you saw driving from Newark airport to NYC. You don’t judge any other state by what you see from its freeways. We are home to some awesome national parks, such as Paterson Great Falls, Delaware Water Gap, New Jersey Pinelands National Reserve, and Ellis Island.

Why not get off the damn Turnpike and take a hike along the Hudson River at The Palisades, a beautiful trail that winds alongside cliffs, through the woods, and even includes a rock scramble. Not to mention stellar views of the New York City skyline. FYI, The Pinelands make up 22% of land area in the state, so we are not just a strip highway. We actually have quite a lot of forest.

3. Nobody resents The Jersey Shore show and The Sopranos more than us.

Of course, all stereotypes have to come from somewhere. Like the much-loathed summer inhabitants who turn Belmar into a frat house June through September. But realize that not all shore goers are ostentatious dimwits who pound beers 24/7. In fact, most New Jerseyans frown upon these people, especially shore residents who have to deal with them on a daily basis. You think we want to be exposed to some idiot drunk with a fake tan puking all over the boardwalk while we’re vacationing with family? No siree.

Also, we are not all from the mob.

4. We don’t have to pump our own gas.

Don’t even try to pump your own. It is illegal here. So just sit in the car and chill out. Gotta problem with that?!

5. Northern and southern NJ are two different animals.

It has even been said that north and south Jersey are like two different states. Closely defined by the major city of each region, (that would New York City or Philadelphia) each half greatly differs once you hit that unofficial divide, which some say is Trenton. Northerners live for the New York Yankees or Mets, southerners root for the Phillies. Northerners eat sub sandwiches but in the south it’s hoagies. In the north we say chaw-colate but down south it’s chah-colate. You get the idea.

6. We have our own culture and do not merely exist as a commuter state for New York City and Philadelphia.

The birthplace of Bruce Springsteen, Kevin Smith, the drive-in movie theater, salt water taffy, and Weird NJ., we are our own cultural powerhouse.  Just admit it, you probably know some lyrics from at least one Bon Jovi song, or dare say, sang along to it. Like Titus Andronicus and Streetlight Manifest? Yeah, bet your punk-rock-skanking-ass does. Well both are from here — just further proof New Jersey fucking rules.

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