Photo: Oleg Golovnev/Shutterstock

How to Piss Off a Jersey Girl

New Jersey
by Michelle DeVona Aug 5, 2016

Warn her that tanning could cause cancer.

We worked very hard on that tan. While I can’t speak for every Jersey girl, it should be known that a lot of us spend hours on end at salons basking in ultraviolet radiation to perfect that orange glow. Especially during the winter season. So best keep your thoughts to yourself on this one.

Flirt with her man. Or woman.

Ooh, this is a definite no no. Start making eyes with her date and she will be all over it in a matter of seconds. Just don’t.

Say that New Jersey has too many malls.

How can there can ever be too many malls?

Call the shore the beach.

It’s the shore.

Knock our rock gods Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen.

There are Jersey girls, and then there are Jovi girls. Inexplicably obsessed with big hair, cheesy guitar music, and Jon himself….don’t mess with a Jovi girl or she will beckon her posse of Jovi disciples and all hell will break loose.

More so, some of us have probably had the same Bruce poster hanging on our bedroom ceiling since like, 1988. He is The Boss after all, so have some respect.

Compare her to Snooki.

The Jersey Shore show has done nothing but tar our image. The fact that it somehow elevated Snooki as the poster girl of New Jersey is just wrong. Sure, Jersey girls like to get down and party from time to time like the rest of us, but don’t assume they’re all booze-crazed, club-going airheads who think hair bumps are a good fashion move. There are plenty of Jersey women, like Queen Latifah and Meryl Streep, who are far cooler. And Snooki isn’t even from here.

Root for the Yankees while you know damn well she’s a Mets fan.

Better think twice before parading your dumb Yankees foam finger around her — because she will give you at least ten reasons why your team sucks and is overrated.

Mention Chris Christie in a conversation.

This is bound to piss any New Jerseyan off, but women especially, since the man is a misogynist asshole. On top of everything else we hate about him.

Suggest dining somewhere that does not have one of the following on the menu: pork roll, hoagies, or tomato pie.

We are damn proud of our culinary scene, so insulting our food is bound to push a few buttons. And might involve getting a pie shoved into your face.

Only drive the speed limit. In the left lane.

She won’t tolerate your slow-moving ass. The left lane is the passing lane. Also, never, ever cut a Jersey girl off on the road. The results ain’t pretty.

Call New Jersey the “Armpit of America.”

She will defend her state and all its shore-going, diner-eating goodness to the end. So, don’t even entertain the thought of mocking it. New Jersey is so much more than a breeding ground for air pollution, corrupt politicians, and other skanks who’ve given it a bad rap.

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