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How to Piss Off Someone From Detroit

by Jessica Golich Sep 5, 2016

LISTEN UP. I was brought up in a neighborhood in which gunshots served as alarm clocks and noisy barbecues, corner stores, police sirens, pimped out whips and the real world nitty-gritty forced me to grow up quickly in the face of adversity. I suggest you take a walk through the city yourself today before you are swayed by common cliches.

Compare Detroit.

We are not striving to be the next LA or New York City. We are Detroit. We are a city of our own.

Hate On Detroit Techno.

Detroit is the home of techno, dipshit. Our enticingly dense, magnetically dark, and utterly captivating mature display of musical craft blithely seduces you as it seeps under your skin. A night at The Works or TV Lounge will leave a penetrating mark on your being. There is a unique quality that sets Detroit techno apart; it is conducted and distributed from the heart.

“I Grew Up In Detroit”…

Please. You did not grow up in Detroit if you were raised in Bloomfield Hills, Livonia, Royal Oak, Garden City, etc. Stop. You’re the jackass shouting “Born and Raised in South Detroit” from the bleachers every time “Don’t Stop Believin’” rocks the speakers.

Tell us there’s nothing to do.

Save it. Spend the day at Belle Isle Park, take a journey through the arts at The DIA or go watch a play at The Fischer. Wander around Eastern Market and check out the intricate murals. Support the local art gallery scene. Step outside of your mental comfort zones and keep your moans and groans at home.

Talk shit about Detroit.

The city has risen from the ashes and regenerated into a cultural haven of artwork, diversity, communal engagement, extensive citizen participation and authenticity. Detroit is repopulating and community members couldn’t be more prideful and absolutely thrilled.

Mention The Buckeyes.

Whether a Michigan or Michigan State fan, the mere thought of The Ohio State Buckeyes leaves us aching to kick Brutus Buckeye in the face.

Celebrate The Rise Of Gentrification.

Say the G-word and you will certainly get heard. As rapacious consumerism and development steps, in the communities and shops that have been rocking the block before it got hot are inevitably overrun. Build that Target or retail chain in Midtown; you will not feel welcome.

Promote racial animosity.

We stand up loud and proud to bigotry in The Motor City.

Complain about the weather.

Pull your umbrella out of the tote, zip up that winter coat, and wrap a scarf around your neck.

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