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How to Piss Off Someone From Sacramento

by Kayla Webb Aug 8, 2016

Forget that Sacramento is the capital of California.

When I tell people I’m from Sacramento, the majority of the time I get blank stares and polite smiles. And I get it — Sacramento isn’t as popular as Los Angeles or San Francisco. But Sacramento is the capital of California.

You should have learned about us in the fifth grade. If you didn’t, then we who grew up here will happily recount our fifth grade field trip to the California State Capitol for you and then immediately encourage you to go see it for yourself. And if you ask nicely, maybe we’ll share the one time we saw Arnold Schwarzenegger when we were having dinner in Midtown.

Call Sacramento a “cowtown.”

Hey, that kid you just saw driving his red pick-up truck through the suburbs without a shirt on? He is an anomaly! If you cozy up at any Temple Coffee for a farm-to-cup espresso, you won’t see one cowboy hat walk through the door. You will see quite a few hipsters, though.

Bring your NorCal-SoCal rivalry BS with you.

Everyone in California thinks their city is the best and that Sacramento is the worst. But unlike NorCal-ers, who claim SoCal is pretentious and fake, or SoCal-ers, who claim NorCal has hella granola hippies, the people of Sacramento are just chilling in the rivalry-free zone.

Instead of bickering, we work on building a strong community. If you provoke us and say we suck, our Sacramento pride will surface and we’ll be forced to have to politely prove you wrong by becoming your friend. First we’ll take you to get some ice cream at Gunther’s, then we’ll drive to Lake Natoma for afternoon kayaking, then we’ll ask how your grandma is doing and we’ll genuinely care. And whether you think our city is cool or not, we’ll still make new friends at the Sunday Farmer’s Market or take our new neighbors out biking around Old Sac. Along with your shoes you can leave your negativity at the door, thank you very much.

Stop at stop signs.

Everyone knows they’re a suggestion. And blinkers are for wieners! If you can’t cross the entirety of 80 without using your blinker, get off the road.

What did you just say about that ethnic minority?

Did Time Magazine name you “America’s Most Diverse City”? Nope. That’s us. We are also one of the most integrated cities. Our classmates since kindergarten are from all over the United States and the world. The neighborhoods we live in don’t have majority of anything. So you better rethink that racist joke because a) it’s not funny and b) we have friends of all ethnic backgrounds and don’t rely on stereotypes to understand an entire people group.

Say there’s nothing to do here.

We have all the things here: land, water, trees, wildlife, mountain views, history, a cityscape, shopping, museums, culinary delights. Pick any of these categories and we would be happy to recommend something. In the summer, our State Fair is more than a couple of measly arcade games and a prize-winning pig. It’s the most popular place to be deep fried while eating a deep fried Twinkie with a Twizzler in the middle.

Also, we’re America’s Farm-to-Fork capital. You can join us for Second Saturday where our unique art scene takes to the streets and transforms everyone into an artist. You can also hike through the dusty hills along the Sacramento River or raft down our rapid American River. If you’re really that bored, flip a coin to decide whether to drive east or west and in two hours you could be in San Francisco or Lake Tahoe. Bye.

Mention the Kings.

Just don’t talk about them. At all. Ever. We know they suck, you do not have to tell us. We also will not be discussing the Lakers either because, yes, we are still bitter about the 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals. Thanks a lot, Robert Horry. Despite that setback, we still love our team and love only having to drive five minutes to see them. Oh, and hey haters, who’s getting a new arena this year? Ha.

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