1. I’m not your couples’ therapist.

I believe every Uber driver should mind their own business unless they’re pulled into the passenger’s circle of trust. In my own experience, I hate it when drivers talk to me without an invite. This is why I don’t speak unless spoken to. And I’m not going to lie — I very much want to talk to you. I’m a really good conversationalist.

However, I do have one caveat: I’m not your couples’ therapist or marriage counselor. I don’t want to be blamed for your inevitable divorce slash breakup. It isn’t cool when you say things like, “Don’t you agree that she’s being a bitch right now?”

Yes, he may be acting like a little prick right now, but don’t get me involved. As long as you’re not asking me to help you flee domestic violence, please leave me out of your argument.

2. Watch the racial undertones.

As a liberal Asian-American I’m going to warn you that racial epithets are a sure-fire way to get me into battle mode. I do not want to make the ride uncomfortable in any way, and so if you see me turning up the music on the radio, or doing my best to change the subject, please understand I’m doing it for your own sake. Driving a racist can really tempt me to swerve my car into traffic, so if you want to get to your Klan meeting in one piece, it’s best you stay silent.

3. My car is NOT your trash can or bathroom.

I do leave you water bottles for you to enjoy at your leisure and I understand if you leave the empty plastics in my car. However, my car isn’t a trash can where you can leave your banana peels, yogurt boxes, and napkins on the floor of my car.

Also, I don’t know where you’re from but where I come from, peeing in someone’s car is frowned upon. This also goes for diarrhea. Please, you’re not five years old. Hold it.

4. If you decide to sit in the front seat, please wear something fresh.

If you haven’t taken a shower that day and you smell dirtier than a dog living on the street…I ask that you sit in the back seat. Call me picky, but I really don’t want to smell the death on your skin. It makes me woozy and it’s very likely your odor will get us killed.

5. You’re beautiful.

85% of the rides are fun and remind me why I joined Uber in the first place. I love when you sing along with Taylor Swift. I love your hilarious conversations you have with your friends. I love being there when I can provide some level of entertainment or be a shoulder to cry on.

I love driving you around while you’re drunk because it becomes a funny story that I can later tell my friends. I love your advice and suggestions to how I should live my life — as a 20 something it really helps. I love being able to safely bring you to your house as you fall asleep. I love that you feel safe in my car and that you trust me enough to bring you where you want to go.

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