Photo: Alex Thompson
1. Many of your walks of shame have been down gravel roads.
2. Your by-the-bed vomit vessel is an oil pan.
3. You’ve gotten drunk at Three Tides and accidentally eaten eight eggs.
4. If it’s some obscure holiday that really doesn’t matter in Maine, you’re at Boru’s. Kentucky Derby, St. Patrick’s Day, Fat Tuesday…
5. You’ve beat the entire staff of McKay’s at dice after hours.
6. Your mom told you about Chickenfest.
7. You ran into three of your cousins and one aunt at Chickenfest.
8. You’ve felt the Sunday wrath of a Saturday devoted to Nastygansetts.
9. You still drink all of your childhood favorites — chocolate milk, hot cocoa, little cartons of milk — except with Allen’s Coffee Brandy in them.
10. You keep at least two pallets in your vehicle at all times in case you stumble across a pit party.
11. You’ve used a river to chill a gas station level bottle of wine.
12. Someone has offered to sell you drugs in the Old Port Tavern bathroom.
13. You’ve busted a serious move at Carmen’s on Jamaican Independence Day.
14. Most of the drinking games you make up involve a hammer. Or an axe.
15. You know that Okie, Cornhole, and Bags are all the same thing.
16. You’ve puked, hooked up, or both in the women’s bathroom at Amigo’s.
17. You’ve hidden under a coat in the closet at Roost and chugged a six-pack of PBR — that you brought from home.
18. You remember going to Black Out Manor in Orono and you totally weren’t weirded out by that name back then.
19. Your youth tastes like Dysart’s curly fries with Malibu sauce at 3am.
20. You don’t go to a dance at the Lobster Ranch unless you have your own gallon of milk.
21. When Skywalker’s opened in Machias your life got a whole lot more interesting.
22. You know that the best beer comes in a can — Baxter, Bissell, Marshall Wharf, the ever-lovely PBR pounder.
23. You’ve never missed a Reggae Fest…still don’t really love reggae music though.
24. Your high school graduation blowout was on top of a mountain that you could only get to with 4×4. Everyone was there.
25. You’ve attended parties on Stud Mill Road where the only identifying landmark was a turned over five-gallon bucket.
26. Your snow pants absolutely must have cargo pockets — for the three beers and mini plastic bong you require while skiing.
27. Your idea of a relaxing weekend activity is rolling a joint, popping the hood, and balancing a couple peebers on the bumper while you check various fluid levels.
28. The scent of Orloff makes you want to kill yourself. Same with Cold River Vodka.
29. You liked The Tavern in Bangor better before they renovated. It’s still good though.
30. You’ve spent a long night drinking at Paddy Murphy’s and woken up with vague memories of shots taken with your old high school English teacher.
31. You’re not afraid of the bartender at The Snug. Michelle, keep doin’ you.
32. You’re immune to Scorned Woman shots.
33. You know that Geno’s is the only place in Portland to play Indiana Jones pinball. That’s the best pinball.
34. You’ve drunkenly eaten an old pizza that Otto’s left on top of their trashcan.
35. All of your empty beer bottles are recycled to contribute a minuscule amount back to the price of your new, filled beer bottles. The cycle continues…
36. You won’t turn your nose up at Wild Irish Rose. Bottled in New York, widely supported in Maine.
37. You miss, miss, MISS Sangillo’s.