How To Humiliate Yourself in a Bar, According To a Bartender

If there is one thing most people can relate to, it’s the hangover shame spiral after an epic night out. You’re pretty sure that you’ve embarrassed yourself, but you have no idea how. But your bartender does know how — we have seen people humiliate themselves in every possible way. Since your memory may be hazy, let us refresh it. These are seven ways to humiliate yourself in a bar.

1. The public breakup

A bar is likely better than a restaurant, but it’s still a place you should avoid to stage your breakup. First, you never know how the person will react. Second, throw in unknown variables like alcohol and strangers and you have a recipe for absolute disgrace. By all means, please come drink away your sorrows post-breakup, but your bartender will be happy to miss the main event.

2. The attempts to turn every bar into a karaoke bar

After one too many vodka sodas, there may be no avoiding it, but try to keep your singalongs to a minimum. You may think that three years on the school choir made you an expert in harmonies, but it didn’t.

3. A total lack of patience

Most bars are first-come, first-served. If there are no bar stools available when you arrive, stand back and wait for your turn. If you notice the bar filling up, be respectful and make room for newcomers — your bag doesn’t need its own seat. If you want to order a drink on a busy night, you have to wait for the people who ordered before you to get their drinks. This all seems so obvious, yet the more crowded a bar is, the more oblivious people become to their surroundings.

4. General assholery

Belittling the bartender, not tipping, complaining to the DJ about their music selections — these are all poor choices. If the bartenders are crap and the music sucks, just don’t go back to that bar. There’s no need to humiliate yourself or someone else when you have the power of choice in your own hands.

5. Using the restroom as a bedroom

If you;re going to use a public toilet for non-sanctioned recreational activity, please be discreet and speedy. The quickest way to get banned from a bar is to get caught doing what you shouldn’t be doing. It’s embarrassing for you, especially because bartenders never forget a face. Every time you walk in that bar in the future (if they let you back in), the staff will immediately start gossiping about you. Tough, but true.

6. Hitting on the staff

While some innocent flirting with the cute bartender doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, sometimes it can be. The more drinks a person has, the less accurate their gauge becomes for what is innocent and what is uncomfortable. If you want to leave your number for the bartender or ask out your server, be respectful about it and recognize that they’re at work.

7. Getting drunk enough to get kicked out

Make a pact with all friends, co-workers, and drinking buddies. As soon as one of you starts slurring every other word, stumbling as you walk, and/or looking overly nauseous — your friends get you out of the bar and on your way home. Don’t let a friend “nap it out” in the corner. Don’t order them a shot to “perk them up.” It is your friend duty to take care of drunk friends and vice versa. Don’t make them the bartender’s problem. Because losing your lunch all over the corner booth is the kind of humiliation you never live down.