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You're Not a True Texan Until...

by Turner Wright Mar 31, 2017

1. You’ve bought a pickup, even though you’re a white collar worker.

Ford and Texas do go hand in hand. The fact Texas is largely occupied by city dwellers with desk jobs doesn’t stop them from putting a payment down on a pickup truck to show off their state pride. With the exception of being asked to help your friends move something bulky across town, that vehicle will never have any use beyond being a symbol of the Lone Star State.

2. You’ve come up with the perfect answer as to why you don’t have an accent.

Most true Texans don’t even have accents. We fake them to pick up dates and come up with priceless excuses as to why we don’t have the twang outsiders hear in Hollywood movies. My personal favorite is my Texas accent only comes out when I’m angry, so it’s probably good you haven’t heard it.

3. You’ve threatened secession for other situations.

It’s a common stereotype that all Texans are in favor of secession, but what’s actually even more Texan than coming out for secession is threatening to secede for the most innocuous reasons. Too much traffic in the morning? That’s it – time to secede and get all these non-Texans out of the state clogging our roads.

4. You’ve met a friend while waiting in line.

Texans are masters at small talk in all situations, but none greater than while waiting in line for everyday matters. If you’ve stopped in West to get some kolaches, you might have made a friend while waiting to reach the bakery. If you’ve shared mutterings while trying to pay at the self-service checkout at HEB, you might have a date for Friday night.

5. You’ve given up on finding decent Mexican food outside of Texas.

For Texans who have grown up eating that greasy concoction of refried beans, melted cheese, and other foods too delicious to mention, there’s nothing else that will quite satisfy a late night craving. When you first leave and realize no other place quite has the same offerings as the Lone Star State, you realize what it means to be Texan.

6. You’ve parked down the street just to be in the shade.

Texas don’t take their summer heat lightly. Many people stay trapped inside when the temperature tops 100, but those of us who have to get around under the Texan sun have figured out tricks to make the time bearable. One of those is going far out of the way to park just to have your car cooled by a bit of shade while you sweat through your shirt from the long walk.

7. Your Christmas dinner may have tamales.

Our Thanksgiving gatherings always have candied yams and greens, and what Christmas dinner would be complete without some fresh tamales? We know: it’s weird. But why fight a delicious tradition?

8. You’re compelled to educate others about Six Flags.

France, Spain, Mexico, The Confederacy, The United States, and The Republic of Texas. These are the six flags waving proudly over our capitol building and across the state, and knowing only reinforces the idea Texans should teach outsiders about why we have them. After all, you can’t have someone from New Jersey deluding themselves into thinking they invented Six Flags now, can you?

9. You sweeten all your tea.

One does not put sugar in green tea, but all tea in Texas is sweet. My parents practically raised me on Lipton and sugar.

10. You’ve Texas-splained things about the US.

We’ve all heard of “mansplaining”: men explaining something to women, ignoring the fact they may be more knowledgeable. For Texans meeting international travelers, we love to have the first word when it comes to explaining the way things are in the US, even if we’re really just doing it to boost our ego. You’re welcome.

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