1. Punter has a totally different meaning to you.
According to Urban Dictionary, a punter is a man known to frequent strip clubs. In Cambridge, a punter is a sexy 20-something in chino shorts and a straw hat who likes to thrust promo flyers under the nose of every person who walks down King’s Parade.
2. You hate St John’s College, and you don’t really know why.
The phrase, “I would rather be from Oxford than St John’s” must have come from somewhere, but you’re not exactly sure why it’s the most severely hated location in the county.
3. Speaking of Oxford, you hate it too.
One sure-fire way to get in a fight in Cambridge is to say Oxford is better. We may not all be calculator-wheeling geniuses, but we do really, REALLY love our university. Plus, lying is wrong.
4. You think bikes have right of way.
No matter where you are in Cambridge, bikes will always have right of way over a car. Cycle rage is a real thing, and road rage pales in comparison.
5. The only food you want after a night out is calamari rings from Gardi’s.
Not only do these delicious treats really hit the spot, if you’re lucky, the guys behind the counter will take a picture of you hammered and put it on the wall.
6. You know over half the population.
Although we’re technically a city, Cambridge has more of a village feel. It’s impossible to walk through town without running into 10 people you know, and Friday nights at Lola Lo might as well be your high school reunion.
7. Your life was changed when Waitrose opened a megastore in Trumpington.
While Tesco and Sainsbury’s did a great job at keeping you fed, Waitrose opened your eyes to the world of “essential artichoke hearts.” Now your mum makes an excuse to go every day, and always emerges with a free cup of coffee.
8. You associate Mill Pond with Smirnoff Ice.
Mill Pond may seem like a beautiful summer picnic location to a visitor, but you know that at night it becomes overrun with drunk 16 year olds swigging WKDs until 10 o’clock — then it’s time to go home.
9. You know the most terrifying way to find out the time.
The Corpus Clock on King’s Parade is a £1 million atrocity likely to haunt your nightmares for years to come.
10. You know that the most dangerous place in Cambridge is the patch of grass in front of the police station.
Parker’s Piece is a lovely place to sit in the summer, but it is also rife with drug dealers, muggings, and the occasional fight. And yes, it’s right in front of the police station.