1. Never again will you even think about touching the grill.
You can make him homemade pasta, gnocchis, and pizza (none of which will ever be regarded as being as good as his mom’s, by the way). But any grandiose plans you might have about making your Argentine man an asado? Oh, hell no, hermosa. Your job will end at picking up the wine. From choosing the meat, to building the fire, to expertly cooking the meat — well, that’s territory he will not give up control on. If there is a barbeque to be had, he’s in charge. Accept that fact, kick back, and enjoy some of the best barbeques on the planet.
2. You will actually learn to find it endearing when he calls you ‘gorda’.
‘Gorda’, literally translated, means ‘fat’. Don’t bitch slap your Argie boy just yet. He means well, really. In Argentina, ‘gorda’ is a very common, loving term of endearment.
3. You learn to have the patience of a saint.
More than likely your boyfriend will be ridiculously late. Well, late for everything except the soccer game, of course. When he tells you he is running out the door, take that to mean that he is still in bed, plans on drinking mate, showering, primping, checking his Facebook, maybe drinking more mate…then he will be running out the door.
4. You begin to question your self-maintenance routine.
Not only do you have to compete with the Argentine women who look impeccable in high heels and full makeup at the grocery store at 8am (while it totally crossed your mind to go in your pajamas), you have to compete with him. Pretty, pretty him. You start to doubt your own ‘from-the-shower-to-out-the-door-in-60 seconds-or less’ routine as you watch him meticulously exfoliate, shave, put on toner and anti-aging face cream, hair gel, cologne…
5. You accept that your dinner date could actually begin at midnight.
Long gone are the days of dinner at 6pm. For an Argentine man, that would constitute a late lunch. And going out for drinks? Often no earlier than 2am. Better get used to those midday siestas, girl!
6. You start to be more expressive with your own family.
He affectionately hugs his brother and tells him that he loves him. He goes to every single one of his niece’s field hockey games. He never complains about always having to take his grandma to the doctor (which he follows up by taking her out for menta granizada gelato). You hear him brag to his friends with so much pride about how no one makes albondigas like his vieja. All of this makes you start to feel a little (okay, a lot) guilty for not having even skyped your own parents in the last three weeks, and you realize it wouldn’t kill you to actually tell them that you love them.
7. Telos are no longer exotic, they are your new normal.
If your boyfriend is on the younger side, he probably still lives at home. An overbearing, overprotective mom looking over her baby’s shoulder at every second makes it a little tricky for you to romp around uninhibitedly with your passionate Latin lover. To save the day is the telo, a by-the-hour sex motel found in most larger Argentine cities. Less ‘porn’ and more ‘just plain convenient’, you will probably quickly learn to fully appreciate their existence.
8. You are an honorary hincha of his soccer team…whether you like soccer or not.
Seriously, these guys are worse than Jehovah’s Witnesses when it comes to wanting to convert. When you date him, prepare to feel less-than-subtle pressure to support his team. Considering that futbol really is like a religion to him, humor him. Sport the team’s jersey and he will adore you for it. And if you score tickets to the game and show enthusiasm (feigned or not) for going, you will have him convinced that you really are the girl of his dreams.
9. You will realize that chivalry is in fact not deader than a doornail.
Doors will be opened for you. He will pay for dinner. He will walk you home. If there is only one piece of anything left, he will serve it to you. He will shower you with affection, calling you ‘hermosa’, ‘bella’, ‘reina’, ‘princesa’, and ‘corazón’ so much you might start to think he forgot your actual name. He will take your hand crossing the street, he will know when you need a hug, and he will cry with you when you need to cry. He will make it incredibly difficult for you to accept anything less from anyone else in the future.