REALITY isn’t looking so sweet in the United States right now. Discontent over the Republican candidates seems to be pretty high in both parties, among both conservatives and liberals. Really, we couldn’t have found anyone better?
This question was posed to Matador staff and readers on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. The answer — apparently, we could have.
This list was crowdsourced. Feel free to nominate your candidate in the comments below.
Politicians who should run for president
- Elizabeth Warren: Harvard law professor, policy advocate, expert in American bankruptcy.
- Ralph Nader: Political activist, attorney, former Green Party candidate.
- Hillary Clinton: Senator, former First Lady, almost-but-not-quite Democratic nominee in 2008.
- Bill Clinton: Saxophonist, ladies man, philosopher.
- Jennifer Granholm: 47th governor of Michigan, member of Obama’s economic advisory team, former University Studios tour guide.
- Alan Grayson: Former US representative for Florida, president of IDT Corporation, gerontology expert.
- Gavin Newsom: Lieutenant governor of California, former mayor of San Francisco, left-handed pitcher.
- Elliot Spitzer: Former governor of New York, former Attorney General, pays good money for his hookers.*
- (*Bill Hader’s SNL impression of Elliot Spitzer would possibly be a better candidate.)
- A robot programmed to look out for the best interests of the largest segment of modern Western civilization, the middle class. This robot will be exempt from all corruption, bribery, re-election status, and thirst for power… but being around a bunch of men, who knows. It may develop a power hungry soul after a while.
Actors, comedians, and TV personalities who should run for president
- Dwayne Johnson: Wrestler, guest star on Star Trek: Voyager, Tooth Fairy.
- Jon Stewart: Daily Show host, Satirist-in-Chief, genius.
- Stephen Colbert: Colbert Report host, Dungeons and Dragons fan, potential candidate for the President of the United States of South Carolina.
- Rick Mercer: Canadian comedian, blogger, political satirist.
- Tina Fey: The only thing that made watching McCain’s 2008 campaign bearable.
- Amy Poehler: Star of Parks and Recreation, former SNL Weekend Update anchor, Planned Parenthood supporter.
- Samuel L. Jackson: Future star of “Snakes on Air Force One.”
- Anthony Bourdain: Chef, Travel Channel host, believes vegetarianism is a “First World luxury.”
- Ellen Degeneres: Talk show host, American Idol judge, Saints fan.
- Morgan Freeman: Voice of God, seemingly portrays a president in every three movies he makes.
- Matt Damon: Philanthropist, screenwriter, World Series of Poker competitor.
Musicians who should run for president
- Bruce Springsteen: Already the Boss.
- Michael Franti: Poet, composer, vegan.
- Ozomatli: US State Department Cultural Ambassadors, the real melting pot.
- Angélique Kidjo: Grammy-winning singer-songwriter, UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, founder of The Batonga Foundation.
Activists, athletes, and other professionals who should run for president
- Maya Angelou: Poet, Pulitzer Prize nominated author, holder of over thirty honorary degrees.
- Bill Gates: Co-founder of Microsoft, philanthropist, fairly wealthy dude.
- David Suzuki: Science broadcaster, environmental activist, host of The Nature of Things.
- Oprah: Star of the 1989 miniseries The Women of Brewster Place.
- Ric Flair: Professional wrestler, “the dirtiest player in the game,” CEO of a short-lived financial business.
- Bill Bryson: Author of books on travel, science, and the English language, former Chancellor of Durham University.
- Lisa Ling: Journalist, co-host on The View, former special correspondent on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
- The Dalai Lama: May be required to release his birth certificate.
- Tony Dungy: NFL player and coach, sports commentator for NBC, first African-American head coach to win the Super Bowl.
Characters who should run for president
- Spock: Science officer, Vulcan, man of logic.
- Lisa Simpson: Buddhist, environmental and animal rights activist, jazz artist.
- Dwayne Elizando Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho: Will be elected five hundred years from now.
- Apollo Creed: Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World, Master of Disaster, King of Sting.
- Elliott Stabler: NYPD detective, specialist in hand-to-hand combat, Queens resident.
- Sue Sylvester: Cheerleading coach, fighter, winner.
- Jack Donaghy: Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for General Electric, former classmate of Michelle Obama, skilled flutist.
- Sherlock Holmes: Consulting detective, violinist, bohemian.
- Don Draper: Partner at Sterling Cooper, Korean War vet, chain smoker.
- Matt Santos: US President from Texas who won in a close election that was actually fair.
- Professor X: The world’s most powerful mutant mind, named one of Business Week’s top ten most intelligent fictional characters in American comics.
- The Doctor: Time Lord, wielder of the sonic screwdriver, has a heart to spare.