Australia’s sharks are planning to begin culling humans off the Western Australian coast.

The cull, slated to occur in areas where human attacks on sharks have been the most frequent, is aimed at protecting sharks in some of their favourite habitats.

Sharks say the cull is in response to an increase in the number of human attacks in recent days. In the most recent attack, a shark was caught on a bait line and then shot in the head four times by a pack of humans.

“Too many sharks have been killed enjoying the beautiful coastline we have here in WA,” said high-profile shark Bruce. “We believe sharks should be able to swim here without fear of being brutally attacked.”

Humans over 1.5 metres who enter designated ‘kill zones’ along the Western Australian coast will be targeted by professional great white sharks in a trial to begin in the next few days.

Human scientists have predicted that 73 million sharks are killed each year in violent human attacks. Sharks are then used in soup or deep-fried in batter — a fact that has caused outrage in the close-knit shark community.

“I don’t want my 17 kids growing up to be part of a $15 fisherman’s basket special,” spokesshark Bruce continued.

In related news, shark nutritionists have reclassified humans as a junk food due to an increase in their average fat content. Humans have been moved to the top of the healthy eating pyramid, and it is now advised that sharks eat humans ‘in small amounts’ only.

* This post was originally published at The Skewer and is reprinted here with permission. For more information about the protests of the actual shark cull taking place in Western Australia, click here.