1. Can you please put pronunciations on your city signs?
Luh-FAYette, Suh-vannuh, May-kin, States-burrah, Ad-lanna, et cetera, et cetera. And can you go on and post fines on the city limit signs for those who continue to say ‘Hotlanta’?
2. Two inches? Really?
Yeah, yeah, it’s the South — we’re supposed trample others for buggies loaded with milk, bread, and pop tarts any time there’s a chance of the sky spitting cold, white shit. But a shutting down over two inches of snow? Two inches? C’mon. Babies were born on the side of the road. Chick-fil-A sent in the national guard of nuggets. Some people spent 23 hours trying to go six miles. It was pretty much the textbook example of a clusterfuck. You’d think years of sledding down hills of fake snow on Stone Mountain would have prepared us a little bit more for the whole fiasco. Or, you know, the fact that the freakin’ Weather Channel is stationed here.
3. Was everyone and their mother in the Welcome to Atlanta video?
My landlord? Mailman? That 3rd grade teacher with a mole on her chin? Aunt Irene?
4. Did Atlanta give a big ‘f-you’ to city planning or something?
There’s lovely Savannah — America’s first planned city — made up of a series of easily maneuvered grids fastened neatly together by 22 historic squares. And then there’s Atlanta, the rebellious younger sibling of Savannah who clearly thought city planning was for losers and decided to cook up some spaghetti junction with a side of Peachtree streets and clogged roads instead. Rush hour? Psh. Let’s go against the mainstream and make it every hour.
5. ITP or OTP?
Can we just have an epic softball tournament to end this great debate once and for all?
6. Should we tell the tourists that the bench they’re posing next to isn’t actually the one from Forrest Gump? Nah…
8. You gotta finally tell us — who built the Georgia Guidestones?
Aliens? The Zodiac? Yoko Ono? The Rosicrucian Order? Jay-Z? Mum’s the word.
9. So are we ever going to talk about the ’96 Olympics? Or Michael Vick? No?
10. Is this red clay going to come out of my clothes?
All my white socks look like rust. Help.