You’ll be called racist.

This is America. Everywhere is racist. New York is racist. LA is racist. Seattle is racist. It’s not just the Midwest and the South. Yes, we’ve had race riots. We also have the Freedom Center. Get off your high horse.

And for the record, I hear more open, overt racism in New Jersey than I ever did growing up in Cincinnati.

You’ll be called a hick.

Okay, I’m not going to lie, when my older sister had a pick-up truck, we did put duct tape over the cracks and fill it up with water to make a hillbilly hot tub. And yes, I have had friends seriously suggest cow-tipping as a possible activity.

But if doing dumb shit when you’re a teenager makes you a hick, then everyone on the planet is a hick.

You’ll be blamed for Bush.

Yeah, sorry about that.

You’ll be blamed for Obama.

You’re welcome.

You’ll be judged for liking Cincinnati Chili.

Judge away. I’ll just sit here and eat my five-way and enjoy life while you’re busy being a judgy, bitter asshole who’s going to die alone.

Kings Island will be unfairly compared to Cedar Point.

In any other state, King’s Island would be the star attraction. Instead we get this condescending, “Oh, isn’t that just a poor man’s Cedar Point?” horse crap.

You’ll be pitied for your sports teams.

I don’t need your pity, I’m putting all of my eggs in the FC Cincinnati basket.

You’ll be judged for the Creation Museum.

Uggghh, this is what we get for taking credit for CVG, even though it’s in Kentucky. We have to take credit for this idiotic, wasteful monstrosity as well.

Someone will ask you about growing up in a corn field.

Okay, what sucks about this is that my childhood home actually bordered a cornfield. So I don’t have much to say. I mean, corn fields are spooky and awesome and really fun to play in, so I don’t really see the problem. It could’ve been worse. We could’ve grown up in a state known for cranberry bogs, tobacco fields, or potato farms.

You’ll be blamed for someone’s shitty layover at CVG.

I was once blamed for Cincinnati’s airport by a New Yorker. Who regularly flies out of the nightmare dumpster fires that are JFK and LaGuardia. To my everlasting shame, I blamed it on Kentucky, when I should’ve had the guts to stand up for CVG actually being pretty beautiful, for an airport.

People will assume you love the Cavs.

“Fuck the Cavs.”
“Oh, I just assumed since you grew up in Ohio…”
“I grew up in Cincinnati. Where we were trained to hate Cleveland.”
“Is there really a difference?”
“Get out.”

People assume you’re in the Bloods.

Wearing a Reds hat outside of Cincinnati does not indicate Reds fandom. It indicates gang membership. You’re going to want to remember this.

People think your hometown is boring AF.

Assuming they visited prior to 2010.

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