1. Say “Hi, Hey, How you doing, Damn, Why you smell so good, Ummmmm I’m gonna lick your face,” to almost everyone you meet.
Say hello to strangers. Be interested and interesting. Invite a new friend to share that bottle of wine in your hostel fridge, because…
2. Every person is awesome.
Every place is original. Every moment is fantastic.
3. Try the local cuisine wherever you go.
Eat absolutely everything you find: fish, bread, insects, rice salad, hákarl, napkins with tasty flavors, spicy chicken, goat cheese, enchiladas, sashimi, jamón ibérico, filet mignon, sardines, steak, steak, steak…
4. Clean yourself.
And remember that your butt isn’t everything. You have more body to wash.
5. Clothes are not as necessary as you think.
Let the air touch your skin. Be fresh, my friend!
6. Be brave.
Don’t be afraid of bigger, stronger, or smarter dogs. And if you have to be, bark first and more.
7. Be a master of the “I’m-such-a-sweetie face.”
Practice it in front of a mirror. If you trick yourself into thinking, even for just a moment, that you’re a good dog and deserve a biscuit, you’ll be all right in your travels. You’ll need that face.
8. Use an effective flea collar.
You girls, above all. One every 20 pubs. Never go out without it.
9. Pee on every lamppost.
Since you’re so far from home, and you have no friends to cling to, live the adventure to the fullest. Fulfill your ambitions, overlook the past, and pee everywhere. Let people know how awesome you are.
10. You’re never too old.
There are 15-year-old dogs in every park. Maybe they’re crippled or deaf or blind, but so what? They still want to party with the puppies. And they still want to make wild dog-love to the sexy Dalmatians. Forget about your age. It’s never too late to explore the other side of the world.
11. Fight for your possessions.
When you’re living in a hostel room with seven strangers, your favorite socks are untouchable. Defend them against potential marauders with teeth and claws.
12. Cheer up the people around you.
C’mon, if you really consider yourself a good globetrotter, you don’t need to be cute like your dog to make people happier. You’re exotic and probably bilingual and you know jokes from all over the world.
13. Follow your canine instincts.
And just do things. Get up every morning with no plan and improvise, because life is just a sabbatical jungle full of cats and dogs and birds. Dogs run and bark and follow trails. Dogs don’t worry about art galleries closing, or about how many things they have to do before the semester ends.
14. Smell different butts and never stop looking for better bones.
You have a good nose and perfect fangs. You’re fit and your tongue is longer than you think. So no worries for settling down too late. You never know what butt is waiting for you in the next urinated corner. There are brighter bones everywhere, for real.