Photo: Tomisickova Tatyana/Shutterstock

17 Signs You Just Became a First-Time Parent

by Savannah Steiger Jun 27, 2016

1. You can still remember a time when you were well-versed in pop culture.
Now you can explain poop colors thoroughly.

2. You’re actually carrying a bag that was designed for diapers.
Not just a backpack shoved full of crap. That comes later.

3. It’s all organic, natural, and grass-fed.
You truly believe that your baby will never eat Cheetos or blue juice. Then they get older and all they want to eat are Cheetos, blue juice, and now also cat food.

4. Your apartment, which used to be the perfect size, now looks like a place you’d never want to live in.
It’s decked out and wall-to-wall packed with baby paraphernalia.

5. And speaking of paraphernalia, your pockets aren’t filled with pipes and lighters anymore.
Or maybe, sometimes they are.

6. You’re embarrassing yourself.
You, of course, aren’t aware of this. All you can think and talk about is NEW BABY. The people you’re talking to though would probably love to talk about something different. Like the news, or the presidential election, or dogs, or anything but the color of your baby precious’s poop and how sore your boobs are and how CUTE your baby was when they threw up across the room the other day.

7. You no longer feel important.
You feel more like a chauffeur and a translator.

8. Your name has somehow disappeared.
Friends and even strangers are calling you ‘Mama’ or ‘Daddy.’

9. And when you do leave your baby with someone else for the first time…
You’re awkward, you have the busiest hands and you find yourself just staring vacantly at inanimate objects.

10. Your reproductive organs have never been louder.
Seriously, you’ve just had one kid and now they’ve already started the chant for number 2 to infinity. Get birth control.

11. You were once an expert on alcoholic shots, now you’re an expert on vaccinated shots.

12. You’re questioning every single aspect of your life.
Is this top easily accessible for nursing? Should 8-month-old babies really eat that much cheese? Maybe I shouldn’t be a parent? Do they ever not need me? Will I ever not need them? HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?

13. You’ve become the girl/boy scout you never were before.
You’re prepared for everything. Wipes? Blankets? Extra clothing? Pacifiers? Cuddly toys? Everything. It hasn’t worn off yet.

14. You’re exhausted and look like shit.
But hey! Look at this baby, ISN’T IT GREAT?

15. Maybe you’re a little bitter sometimes.
Your college friends are posting all their adventures on Instagram and you’re posting about the gigantic pile of laundry you finally finished.

16. And yeah, you resent your baby slightly.
After all, if they weren’t around you’d be filling your Instagram with photos of empty beer glasses and maybe you in a crop top.

17. But mostly you’re in love with them.
Because when you imagine yourself travelling and looking fabulous it feels a little empty to picture it without your baby. Their little smudgy face makes you feel overcome with love for them. All the poop, lost sleep, and aggravation are so worth that little thing because nothing will ever make you feel as wanted or as needed. So buck up and cuddle your baby. Then maybe hire a sitter and go out by yourself for an hour or so.

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