1. You remember when the Banks consisted of the empty Serpentine Wall and some tires that washed up on the banks of the Ohio.
…and we all stared wistfully over at the beautiful Kentucky side.
2. You remember when it wasn’t just Kentucky bars you walked out of smelling like smoke.
“Hey guys, want to head to Mainstrasse?”
“How about we light a tobacco field on fire and roll around in it instead?”
3. You remember when the only hometown beer was Hudepohl.
What’s this fancy-shmancy Rhinegeist crap?
4. Your school or business decorated one of those flying pig statues.
And they’re still out front to this day.
5. You can tell someone’s political leanings by how they refer to the cross-county freeway that connects I-75 to I-71.
Though it’s becoming a better way to determine someone’s age.
6. You remember when the Reds were good.
I was born in ’86, and even I remember the Big Red Machine.
7. You can finish this sentence:
“For furniture with style and flair…”
8. You still remember Pete Rose’s glory days.
Back before he needed to charge $100 for a signed baseball that he would immediately convert into a poker chip.
9. You remember historical events as Jim Borgman cartoons.
Zits ain’t bad either.
10. You had a prom dinner at a Montgomery Inn.
Or a Jeff Ruby’s, if you were feeling fancy.
11. You remember when the Bengals were… less Bengals-y.
As a friend recently put it, “You know you’ve had it rough when Boomer Esiason was the best you ever had.”
12. Your first ever case of motion sickness was at the Omnimax.
The combination of lasers in space and seating that’s basically built on a cliff is a really good way of ensuring that your puke will hit the maximum number of people in the Robert D. Lindner Family’s theater.
13. When people talk about your town’s German heritage, you try to focus more on beer tunnels and less on Marge Schott.
Ah, it’s like our entire town had the same racist, chainsmoking grandmother.
14. If Marge Schott was your town’s grandmother, Marty Brennaman was your town’s Grandpa.
Although he’s been saying his catchphrase a lot less lately.
15. You remember when we had the worst corporate-named field in the country.
…instead of the best. It’s still no Crosley or Riverfront, but Great American beats the shit out of Cinergy.
16. You remember when Over-the-Rhine was a place you NEVER WENT.
Your parents said you would be murdered if you even drove through it, but in your head, you pictured it more like the couple of guys who were up to no good, who started making trouble in Will Smith’s neighborhood.
17. Your first celebrity crush was Tricia Macke.
If you’re a girl, I dunno… maybe Rich Apuzzo? Or Buddy from Buddy’s Carpet.
18. In the age of the cellphone, you don’t know your mother’s phone number, but you remember the LaRosa’s phone number.
“Three four seven one one one one! Tastes so good! You want it bah-uh-ad! LAROSA’S!”