What needs to go
I took a quiz called, “Who Did My Mother Give Birth To?” And I actually got myself. My mother apparently did not give birth to Samantha from Sex and the City, the color teal, or a fucking howler monkey, if you can believe it.
2. Cliffhanger status updates
Wait, why was that your “absolute LAST online date”? Why are you “NEVER” going to use a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru again? WHY DO YOU HATE MONDAYS???!!!
It’s cool that you lost a couple pounds. I like your new haircut. Yes, that’s a very cleavage-revealing top. I would fucking agree with you if you just let me figure this shit out on my own. Stop shoving your hourly bathroom-setting selfies in my face and allow me to casually peruse your photo albums at my leisure.
4. Blatantly misguided political posts
Before you comment, “Planned Parenthood sucks,” on my friendly and informative video about women’s reproductive health, you’d better have at least three prestigious news sources to back your shit up.
5. Random poetry / song lyrics
Did you write this? What is this mumbo-jumbo about “going your own way” and “whiskey-scented lips” and “by and by”? Submit that to the New Yorker. Don’t put it on your Facebook status.
6. References to the nonexistent “love” button
It’s nice that you feel strongly about something in life. But I think it’s become clear that the “love” button does not and will never exist. Asking where it is or when Facebook will make one is no longer fresh and innovative material.
7. Relationship issues
Your significant other is just at work. You don’t need to write on his wall that, “Watching The New Girl just isn’t the same,” or ask, “Who’s gonna cook me my usual four-course meal? #bestboyfriendever.” These are private comments. Nobody cares about these except for you.
8. Updates on mundane life experiences
You’re eating an apple. Join the club.
9. Bad grammar
Your vs. you’re. It’s vs. its. Woman vs. women. They’re vs. there vs. the elusive their. These are the basics. Sometimes they get tricky, but come on now.
10. Grammar police
Alternately, you don’t need to be a pretentious dick. Get over yourself.
11. Comments about who that “fantastic!” photographer was 😉
This is a really cute picture of a couple in front of a tree. I don’t care that you were there, and you took the photo. Please allow me to enjoy this without having to experience your desperate plea for acknowledgment.
12. Photos / status updates that exemplify your life being better than my life
Your boyfriend looks like Tom Brady. You woke up in Maui this morning. Your parents bought you a Mini Cooper. Good for you. I spend most of the day eating English-muffin pizzas in my PJs. Congratulations.
What are these, exactly? Keep calm and eat bacon? What is that?
14. Photo tags of a person’s amputated ligament halfway in the frame of a picture
I appreciate that you want to include me in a photo of an event I attended. You don’t need to tag a wisp of my hair.
15. Live updates on television programs that nobody cares about
Who is Adore Delano? Why do I care about her eye makeup?
16. A million photos of an airplane wing / your feet / a seashell
These reveal nothing of interest to me.
17. Game requests
Do I want to join you on a fantasy farm in the North Pole, where I can experiment with different animals, crop rotations, and lawn decorations? No, I do not.
18. Celebrity comparison photos
I know you love black V-necks, and you have very odd, stringy facial hair. You still don’t look like Keanu Reeves, I’m sorry.
19. Crass comments on somewhat wholesome photos
This is a photo of your friend innocently hiking on vacation. His grandmother just inquired about his whereabouts in the comments. Please do not use this same internet space to ask, “Yeah, where the fuck are you this time?” Use your head.
What can stay
1. Kickstarter campaigns
You’re trying to get free money from people. I can understand that.
2. Throwback Thursday photos
These are great because they usually involve the #bestlifeever people looking terrible in their younger years.
3. Interesting articles about actually important current events
You want to use the public arena to drop some smarts on the world. I like that. Keep it up.
4. Really trashy public arguments
Probably not the author’s smartest choice, but still very entertaining for the reader. These can stay.
5. One baby and/or pet photo per day
It would be better if you could get this over with in a combo baby-pictured-with-pet package deal. But I get it. Cute things are cute. Carry on.
6. Hilarious and/or inspirational YouTube videos
I’m a happier person now that I’ve watched this squirrel try to bury a nut in a Bernese mountain dog’s fur. Thank you.