1. You came out of the womb singing Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond.
2. You have the innate ability to spot, and hate, a Yankees fan from a mile away.
3. You can locate every late night Pizzeria Regina, Kelly’s Roast Beef, and D’Angelo’s within a 4-mile radius — without your phone.
4. You can actually pronounce Massachusetts town names: Gloucester, Worcester, Haverhill, Cochituate…
5. You can find a place to serve you alcohol after 2 am. Hint, hint: Chinatown cold teas…
6. You can add whiskey or Fireball to your Downeast Cider and still pretend you’ve only had one drink.
7. You can dig your car out of the snow in record time, find a chair or a 24-pack of Harpoon to put in its place — in effect legally pissing on the spot to show that it is yours — and still make it into work on time.
8. You can get to every other town in Massachusetts within “a 30-minute drive.”
9. You’re able to navigate around the fucked up city grid (or lack thereof), dodging one-way traps and traffic-jams on Commonwealth or Atlantic Ave as you do it.
10. You can completely forgo the proper pronunciation of the letter ‘R’ and still get your point across.
11. You miraculously transform into an Irish person on St. Patty’s Day.
12. You can ski in jeans.
13. You can terrify anybody driving next to you on the Mass Pike with your road rage and unpredictable driving.
14. You can race down Storrow Drive on off-peak hours and somehow dodge a speeding ticket.
15. You’re a pro at navigating conversations between extreme left-wing and extreme right-wing citizens.
16. You can decode all the fine print riddles in Boston parking signs.
17. You can dress up your Tims.
18. You can emotionlessly walk by a junkie asking for money on Methadone Mile.
19. Being can taste the difference between a Duxbury oyster and a Katama Bay oyster.
20. You know all the different ways to make a beertail with Guinness.
21. You know how to avoid overpaying for parking on game day: park at Allston and take the Green Line to Fenway.
22. You can feed your whole family breakfast and coffee for under $10 at Dunks.
23. You’ve achieved true champion day drinking skills during the Boston Marathon, despite the fact that you don’t know anyone running.
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