1. Making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich involves grinding the wheat, baking the bread, and picking the berries.
2. You gave birth at home. Unassisted. Out in the garden.
3. You froze your own placenta after birth and now enjoy daily “pick-me-up” smoothies.
4. Your Twitter profile proudly says “Intactivist.” In the grocery store, you ask strangers with baby boys whether or not they chose to genitally mutilate their child. You don’t even have a son.
5. You make your own cloth diapers. Which you line with inserts of moss. That you harvested in the forest and dried.
6. You practice elimination communication with your child on a composting toilet.
7. When your child walks through the front door from school and asks for milk, you whip out your breast.
8. You’ve breast fed someone else’s crying baby. Without asking.
9. You meticulously charted your cervical mucus when you wanted to conceive.
10. You think there’s nothing Rescue Remedy can’t fix.
11. A homemade book of placenta recipes, paired with Spiritual Midwifery and The Continuum Concept, is your go-to gift at every baby shower you’re invited to.
12. You have three children sleeping in your bed nightly. They’re all over the age of 10.
13. You won’t carpool with any parent who doesn’t drive a biofuel car.
14. Your baby sports an amber teething necklace.
15. The chicken pox party you threw was your most anticipated social event of the year.
16. Your baby’s first liquid after breast milk (age 5) was kefir. That you made yourself.
17. Facebook’s taken down your breastfeeding photos. On more than one occasion.
18. You know the difference between a wrap, a sling, and a mei tai and are greatly annoyed by those who don’t.
19. The ‘festive’ popsicles you give out to the kids at the neighborhood summer party are made from chlorella and spirulina.
20. You knit your children’s sweaters. From wool you spun. Cut from your own flock of sheep. And hand-dyed from wildflowers and grasses. Finished off with wood (sustainably harvested) buttons that you carved in the shape of fairies.
21. You linger outside health clinics to pass out fliers about the dangers of vaccinations.
22. Your child’s education is by a Waldorf homeschool co-op.
23. Scoring raw milk makes you tremor with excitement and satisfaction.
24. You don’t allow your child to play at any house that has a TV.
25. You never get asked to bring the team treat after soccer games, after that one time you showed up with homemade kale chips and kombucha.
26. Two words: diva cup.
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