1. I am in the inks. (Estou-me nas tintas.)

What we really mean is “I don’t give a shit.”

2. I will make you a sheet. (Faço-te a folha.)

This one goes along with another saying: “I will turn you into an eight” (faço-te num oito). Which probably means that the husband of the gorgeous woman you were just getting frisky with on the sofa arrived home a little bit too early.

3. There is no bread for crazy people over here. (Não há cá pão para malucos.)

Whatever nuisance you’re asking for, you’re not going to get it here.

4. Let yourself of shits. (Deixa-te de merdas.)

Just stop the bullshit, okay?

5. You are giving me a thong. (Tás-me a dar tanga.)

This one isn’t about underwear and it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman. We just know you’re messing around, so we’re basically asking ‘are you trying to lie to me?’

6. You are Sócrates/Portas/Passos de Coelho. (És um Sócrates/Portas/Passos de Coelho.)

In recent years, after the political scandals, a new wave of Portuguese insults showed up. Instead of cursing, we just replace the swear word with a name of a politician. And all you have to do is find out what scandal they were associated with. We can even innovate now and say, “your mother’s a politician.”

7. I curse the day you were born. (Amaldiçoou o dia que nasceste.)

This one seems to be pretty self-explanatory. However, it may make you wonder, why are we cursing the day you were born and not the person who made us angry in the first place?

8. Go comb monkeys. (Vai pentear macacos.)

You are probably wondering where would you find a monkey? And if you did find a monkey, why would you comb it? Well, in the Middle Ages some people would comb donkeys and other animals for a job — a job no one else wanted to do.

9. May the lightning break you. (Raios te partam.)

You got us so angry that we actually want to have a little chat with Zeus himself. What should you do now? Well, according to popular Portuguese wisdom, go find your mother-in-law because no lightning can break her. (Não há raio que a parta!)

10. Son of mother. (Filho da mãe.)

Yes, of course everyone is someone’s son or daughter, but for about a hundred years, a law made sure that only legit children would inherit the family’s assets, money and the prestige of the family surname — while children born outside of a marriage wouldn’t even get their father’s family surname. Nowadays, you could probably interpret this as a polite way of saying “you son of a bitch.”

11. Go for a walk around the big pool table. (Vai dar uma volta ao bilhar grande.)

The pool table might be just an imaginary place in our mind, but for the sake of the argument, why don’t you walk until you find it?

12. You are here; you are eating. (‘Tás aqui, ‘tás a comer.)

Of course you know you are “here,” and I can assure you this is not an invitation for a meal. It means things are heating up and might get physical, but not in a sexual way.

13. Lower the little ball. (Baixa a bolinha.)

You’d better calm down, or ‘‘tás aqui, ‘tás a comer’ will apply.

14. I will put your clothes closer to your fur. (Chego-te a roupa ao pelo.)

Strange? Well, we are mammals who walk around wearing clothes. So I guess if another clothed mammal starts a fight, our clothes will be closer to our fur/skin than they have ever been before.

15. Unshit yourself. (Desenmerda-te.)

It’s probably about time you figured it out for yourself.

16. Put yourself with a stick. (Põe-te a pau.)

Don’t put a stick anywhere, but instead see this as a warning to be more careful with what you say and what you do in the future.

17. You are getting wood to burn yourself. (Estás a arranjar lenha para te queimares.)

You’re the one causing all your trouble.

18. Put yourself into the eye of the street. (Põe-te no olho da rua.)

Just as with a hurricane, the eye is the centre, and the access to the street is just through the door you came from. So if you stay there or not, it’s your problem.

19. This is going to give sauce. (Isto vai dar molho.)

This is going to cause problems.

20. I am passing myself. (Já me estou a passar.)

Your Portuguese friend is not going anywhere, but she’s definitely trying to tell you “I am feeling really pissed off” right now.

21. Now the female pig twists her tail. (Agora é que a porca torce o rabo.)

Do you know when a pig twists her tail? Well you can either watch a nature program on pigs or trust me when I say “now things are getting really hard.”

22. Do you want me to make you a drawing? (Queres que te faça um desenho?)

Apparently you are struggling to understand what is going on, so do you want me to draw you a diagram?

23. You will be slapped, and you will not even know what town you are from. (Levas um estalo, e nem sabes de que terra és.)

Yeah, ’cause that’s how strong we are.

24. Do you want to take it in the trunk? (Queres levar na tromba?)

First things first, the trunk is your face. It may be considered a physical threat, but for now we’re just asking if that’s where you want to take it.

25. Are you armed in a racing mackerel? (Estás armado em carapau de corrida?)

A racing mackerel is the mackerel that thinks he can swim faster than all the other mackerel. Are you really trying to outsmart all the other fish?

26. What does the ass have to do with trousers? (O que é que o cu tem a ver com as calças?)

“How is that even related?”

27. Put yourself in the prostitutes before the prostitutes put themselves on you. (Põe-te nas putas antes que as putas se ponham em ti).

This isn’t a suggestion for free or paid sex, it’s more like a suggestion. You should leave before you get something else for free.

28. Don’t stretch yourself. (Não te estiques.)

Don’t push it.

29. I am shitting myself for that! (Estou-me a cagar para isso!)

I’m not really shitting myself, there’s just no other way to say “I couldn’t care less.”

30. In the time of Salazar, this wouldn’t have happened. (No tempo de Salazar isto não aconteceria.)

This one isn’t aimed at you, but more at the situation. And most likely if you are hearing it, you’ve pissed off someone as old as your grandparents. Salazar was a dictator who ruled the country in the last century, who did good and bad things, but one thing is certain, this article would not have happened in the time of Salazar.

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