Alabama: We may be 49th in everything, but thank God for Mississippi.
Alaska: No, you can’t see Russia from here.
Arizona: Our main exports are heat stroke and rabid xenophobia.
Arkansas: Literrasy ain’t everything.
California: Where American dreamers settle for doing porn.
Colorado: Laughing at your altitude sickness since 1876.
Connecticut: We’re kinda close to the places you really want to be, like Boston and NYC.
Delaware: The first state, and that’s about it.
Florida: A wonderful place to enjoy some pain pills and die of old age. Or vice versa.
Georgia: Without Atlanta, we’re Alabama.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money).
Idaho: More than just potatoes. Ok, maybe not, but the potatoes are real good.
Illinois: Where a politician’s term in office and prison sentence are roughly the same.
Indiana: Dan Quayle’s favorite country!
Iowa: Counting down the days until an election makes us relevant again.
Kansas: Come for the corn, stay for the tornadoes.
Kentucky: 5 million people, 15 last names.
Louisiana: We’re also thankful for Mississippi.
Maine: Stephen King really likes it here!
Maryland: If you can dream it, we can tax it, hon.
Massachusetts: We hope you enjoy both of our seasons, Winter and Construction.
Michigan: Where lake effect snow will bury you alive 10 ft. from your front door.
Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 10,000,000,000 mosquitoes.
Mississippi: We make slightly less shitty states look GOOD.
Missouri: We love company.
Montana: The birthplace of the letter bomb.
Nebraska: Where the majority of the population has been intimate with a corn cob.
Nevada: Helping degenerates part with their money since 1864.
New Hampshire: A great place to stop for gas on your way to Canada.
New Jersey: Hope you like traffic, asshole.
New Mexico: Breaking Bad was the best thing that ever happened to us.
New York: If you have it, we’ll tax it, and if it’s fun, we’ll regulate it until it’s no longer fun.
North Carolina: Despite being North, we’re still as redneck as South Carolina.
North Dakota: All the weather or Canada without any of the health care.
Ohio: We like to swing.
Oklahoma: One tornado away from being Mississippi.
Oregon: Still a 50/50 chance you’ll die of dysentery.
Pennsylvania: Our Amish can beat up Pennsylvania’s Amish.
Rhode Island: If we were any less significant, we’d be Delaware.
South Carolina: We secretly pledge allegiance to the Confederate flag.
South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.
Tennessee: Leading the nation in fat dudes who die while taking a dump.
Texas: Heaven if you are a high school quarterback. Hell if you are gay, black, an immigrant or a woman.
Utah: A great place to raise a couple of families.
Vermont: 75% hippies, 24.999% rednecks and .001% who came for the foliage.
Virginia: Southern enough to suck for northerners and northern enough to suck for southerners.
Washington: Where more things are legal and everything is damp.
West Virginia: Our obesity problem can be explained in two words: pepperoni rolls.
Wisconsin: Way too cold to be sober.
Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared.
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