1. “Yes, I do need that $1,000 pair of boots.”

They make me feel like Julia Roberts, okay? She got her boots from Rocketbuster in El Paso, so I will, too. Or do I want boots from Lucchese so I can feel like Johnny Cash? Feeling like the Man in Black would be pretty nifty. Or maybe Justin Boots. Or Tres Outlaws. Or all of the above. El Paso is world-reknown for being the boot capital of the world, and for good reason. Even Europeans look for that invaluable “El Paso” stamp of approval.

Yeah, I’m thinking Johnny Cash.

2. “A fifth margarita won’t hurt, right?”

Gracias, El Paso. Thank you for getting us through many a college exam, many a breakup, and many a Monday with your margaritas. If you have to be the home of something, you picked a damn good one to claim. More people should feel indebted to you. Tell you what: next time I’m sipping on my not-so-authentic margarita up north, I’ll cheers to you. “Here’s to El Paso!” I’ll say, and when the whole bar thinks I’m Texas-obsessed, I’ll drop some “home of the margarita” knowledge. Sound good?

3. “I could live on greasy Mexican food, for sure…”

…and not gain a pound, right? Maybe they call it Crazy Cat Mountain because all the locals running it are going insane trying to burn off last night’s burrito. Or this morning’s H&H coffee-and-car-wash breakfast. Or that third cupcake from the Sweet Addictions cupcake truck they spent 30 minutes stalking (I can’t be the only one who does that).

Can I get another order of these beans and potatoes, please? I’ll go jogging later, I swear.

4. “I totally am gazing into another world right now. Am I in another dimension?”

You mean I can cross this fence if I want to? Can I touch it? It disappears in places? That’s odd.

5. “This digital wall makes me feel like Tom Cruise.”

And the fact that it’s called DIGIE is even better. Walk up to DIGIE outside the Museum of History and start swiping backward and forward, left and right, and let it take your picture. If you don’t feel like Tom Cruise in Minority Report, you’re doing it wrong. There’s even mini-DIGIES going around to classrooms! Lucky kids. Thanks for making my education feel totally archaic, El Paso.

6. “I guess I was wrong about Texas…”

You mean…it’s not all flat? And there are blue spots besides Austin? And there’s food trucks and sweeping vistas and great weather? There’s Indian and Hispanic culture? There’s movie nights outside in canyons?! My entire world-view is changed.

7. “If there are any crazy cats around, I’ll just play dead.”

I gotta go run up Crazy Cat Mountain to work off this cupcake. I don’t think I’ll run into any pumas. Are they called pumas? They just hang out at the local car wash, right?

8. “Why are these high schoolers more talented than I am?”

In a crazy non-Texas turn of events, El Paso has seriously embraced art. So much so that even high schoolers are taking to the streets…and they’re good. “Street art by high schoolers” doesn’t exactly sell itself, but then you visit festivals like Chalk the Block, wander around the “student artists” section, and you don’t feel proud of your macaroni collages anymore. Maybe it was the classroom DIGIEs that made them so fantastic. Don’t worry, we’ll just go drown our chalkboard sorrows in a salt-lined glass from Carlos & Mickey’s and it’ll all feel okay.