Photo: Rosy Tomorrows

8 Ways to Totally Humiliate Yourself in Miami

by Eileen Cotter Wright Jun 5, 2015

Undervalue the perfect Cuban sandwich.

There’s a reason every person who has ever set foot in this city chomps on a Cuban ASAP. We could argue all day that Islas Canarias has the best because of its fresh baked bread, or Miami Smokers with its Berkshire Heritage meat tops them all. But you’ll know your favorite place when you find it.

Forget your heels at home.

There’s no snow, sleet or other challenges from Mother Nature to use as an excuse. If you’re bopping through Brickell or cruising Collins Ave, you have to have a pair of stilettos, wedges or something in between. Luckily, it seems everyone on their mother has opened a shoe boutique to score designer looks or one-of-a-kind finds. Head for The Webster if you have cash to burn or Place Vendome for the cheap and truly outrageous.

Wait for freebies at the club.

We see it all the time – packs of bachelorette parties coming from up north, ready for the royal treatment. Sorry out-of-town ladies, unless you’re besties with the bouncer or just get really lucky, you have to wait in line with the rest. And for the love of Pete, no matter how short the line is, skip Space unless you plan on crawling to brunch the next day.

Think art is only in museums.

We’re a little torn about Wynwood — we’re thrilled it’s finally getting recognition it deserves for incredible street art, but we’re also sad it’s no longer a hidden gem. Either way, we often skip the glum galleries and get our art fix outside in the sun. Who wouldn’t want to ‘gram a photo of a pastel elephant-octopus hybrid mural made by Alexis Diaz over a boring skyline or framed painting? We love that Art Basel has intertwined its works with Wynwood too.

Throw elbows in South Beach for sand space.

Maybe on special occasions it’s worth heading to this strip for sun worshipping and people watching, but Miami has plenty of other shore space to share. While not as pretty, it’s just as fun to spend the day at Key Biscayne out on the sand or sailing a catamaran. Bonus points if you have a friend with a bigger boat.

Don’t know a basic 1-2-3 step.

It’s not like you’ll be banned from Miami if you have two left feet, but it might be time to take a lesson or two. Sure, there’s spots that will play generic house music all night you can just jump up and down to, but that’s not where the soul of the city is. From merengue at Club Tipico to the insanity at Mango’s, it good to always have a few Latin moves and grooves down pat no matter where you come from.

Diss Miami food trucks.

When there’s sunshine year-round in a busy city, food trucks are going to be huge. Arguably some of the best are Il Fiorentino for dishes created by a Michelin-rated chef and Don Mofongo for Puerto Rican delights. It’s even better when they all get together on weekends for regular food truck festivals throughout downtown.

Worry too much about your style.

Sure, it’s one of Miami’s ugly rumors that you might be kicked out if not dressed to the nines. But like any city boasting a melting pot of culture and taste, everyone is truly respected for their own panache. We might look a little snotty, but we’re all just here to have a good time.

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