1. That Christmas music is flat out annoying as shit
There’s a reason we only listen to “Deck the Halls” for one month out of the entire year. Why we choose to do so on repeat for that entire month is beyond me, but we do. We tune into our local all-holiday music, all-the-time radio station and sing along as Elvis serenades us with his classic rendition of “Silver Bells.”
2. Flights to Florida all of a sudden cost $1,000
It’s Florida, folks. Not Bali or Fiji or even Hawaii. It’s just a bunch of old people and cartoon characters, but if you really want to spend the same amount of money it costs to fly to Australia on the chance of some American sunshine this Christmas, by all means, go ahead. Pack up those swimsuits and join the masses who also paid way too much to escape the cold from Christmas until New Year’s.
3. What happened at Thanksgiving dinner
It’s been several weeks, so let’s all pretend no one remembers the screaming match that left you stranded in the kitchen cooking the turkey all by yourself. Christmas is a new chapter. Time to start fresh and bury any remaining grudges just long enough to collect all the presents coming your way.
4. That little thing called a budget
Pshh. Budgets are for scrooges and grinches, not for us loving, giving Americans. The average shopper spends over $800 on Christmas presents every year. And it might just be me, but that number sounds a little low. With Black Friday now starting earlier and earlier each year, I’m sure we’ve all already surpassed any semblance of a budget we started the season with.
5. How many calories are in an entire pumpkin pie
Let’s be honest, no one diets during the holidays. As mammals, it’s only normal to pack on the pounds and hunker down for the cold-weather months ahead. Bring on the homemade pies and third helpings of candied yams and just add “losing winter weight” to the top of your New Year’s resolutions list like usual.
6. That “it’s the thought that counts”
We’ve all heard grandma quietly utter those words from behind a kind smile after we open the hideous homemade jewelry from your crazy aunt (you know the one). And we’ve all immediately disregarded her wisdom as a deeply disgusted look replaces any form of excitement. Let’s be real, it’s not the thought that counts; it’s whether you got me what I wanted or not.
7. Basic manners
Waiting in lines, sold out toys, and hosting the holidays all seem to make us forget the basic Ps and Qs we learned in kindergarten. All the sudden, we have no problem full-on body checking the innocent old lady reaching for whatever this year’s version of the Furbee is (remember those?!).
8. To take only two official days off
Although the government only recognizes Christmas Day and New Year’s Day as federal holidays, we all know that basically the entire month of December is a wash when it comes to work productivity. After Thanksgiving, our brains have officially checked out and started planning for our Christmas celebrations.
9. The first syllable in the name of the holiday
It is “Christ”-mas, as in it is a holiday that celebrates Jesus Christ. Despite this minor detail, atheists and non-Christians alike embrace the traditions of this birthday celebration. No one wants to be left out from receiving a new iPad just because they don’t believe in God. Come on…
Photo: Dave Scelfo