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Craigslist Uncovered: Llama Drama and Imaginary Girlfriends

by Candice Walsh Feb 28, 2011
Don’t ask me how I ended up on the Craigslist Personals while job hunting. The allure is irresistable.

Missed connections. Rants. Tales of ninjas with special talents. These are some of the best I found in my, err, research. Spelling and grammar preserved to expose the glory of Craigslist.

Looking for Someone to Sit On

“I am a blind fellow who enjoys sitting on guys. This includes having a guy sit on a chair and my sitting on his lap facing him. I would ask the guy to hold me as tight as possible so that I don’t fall. I also enjoy sitting on a guys chest and even laying on top of a guy. I like to do this for as long as the person can support my weight. I weigh about 320 pounds. I also enjoy just a great deal of hugging.”

Considering this New York City guy is blind, I have some concerns here.

Lost Llamas in Langley, British Columbia

“woke up this morning, the fence is knocked right over and our 3 llama’s are missing.
1 – about 6 ft tall female with brown markings on face
2 – about 4 ft tall female (baby of #1) with off-white colour
3 – black/brown 5 ft tall male”

This Lost & Found ad had me laughing for about an hour. I hope this person finds their llamas.

Poor, Ugly bastard, Skinny, never had a date, bum

“I am 6 ft , 174 blonde, longish hair and blue eyes. I have NO tattoos, wear clothes from Armani and H&M I like to do just about anything. I like to workout regular as you can tell from pics.I have a home in PALM BEACH FL Show me that you’re different in some way. Trying to build myself more and more everyday.”

This guy in New York City desperate for some loving. No offense dude, but you casually throwing out the “I wear Armani and workout regularly” bit doesn’t help.

Hire an Imaginary Girlfriend!

“Just make up how you met and include any details about yourself that you want your new girlfriend to know. Within days you’ll receive personalized love letters by mail, e-mails, photos. Every Imaginary Girlfriend is unique.

The girl is real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always protected.”

I actually think this ad in the New York City (yes, again) personals is brilliant. Now if someone would only create an Imaginary Boyfriend business so my parents would get off my back.

Last month a man projectile vomitted on me

“He was sitting behind me when it happened. He apologized, but also said it was just tea and he can’t help it if he has convulsions. I wiped my hair and tried to leave early, but he ran after me and said I should stay or he would feel terrible. I see him tonight and don’t want to be impolite, but I don’t want to be next to him. How can I put him off without hurting his feelings?”

Another from New York City. I’m confused, why are you seeing this man again?

Night and Shinning..

“Long day ..stressed.. i wanna be spoiled!!
Where is my night and shining armor???!!”

Don’t worry, love. I’m still waiting for my night and shinning armor as well. Found in the New York City personals.

Honesty and eye sex

“To the beautiful boy that I am having eye-sex with right now. Tell your girlfriend to get off your lap. Let’s be real, she looks 80% like a twink boy, like me to be more exact. And every time you kiss her and then look over at me, my soul roles its eyes.”

And thus concludes the NYC weirdness.

Let’s stab stuff

“Would you like to learn to throw knives or already know how but would like a friend to throw with? well I’ve got the knives and no where to throw them I even have wood and/or logs to throw at. Knife throwing is a great cardio workout and improves your coordination it’s a fun and friendly activity that all ages can enjoy.”

Yeah, I’d put my trust in a guy that doesn’t know how to spell “know.” Found in Miami, Florida Casual Encounters.

Will leave sperm sample on front step

“I am willing to anonymously donate sperm via a cup. I live in Alameda. You simply call ahead, and I will place the sample outside. That’s it.

I have a bachelors degree in Biology and Chemistry, a Masters Degree, and I’m currently attending law school. I am very athletic and fit, and have four children of my own with my lovely wife.”

This is a mystery. Why donate sperm when you already have kids? Miami, Florida Personals.

A confusing Missed Connection in London, England

“You were on the tube and you looked miserable! not sure what time.. not sure what line, But you took my breath away… you were reading a magazine, or a book, or a ripped copy of the standard… or were you listning to music i cant remember? you had glasses, i think, a suit too. or was it jogging bottoms! could have been a skirt.. beautiful wavey hair…blonde…. or african sunset?! shit i think it was black actually! were you male or female? I could’nt really tell..Ding me… lets go out!”

So it was a blonde or dark-haired she-he wearing jogging pants and a skirt? Wait…what?

Recycled condoms for sale in Miami, Florida

“Can used condoms be recycled? I may make some money with this?”

Uh, please don’t.

And the best title winners go to…

1. CUNNILINGUS NINJA! – Toronto, Ontario Personals
2. the vaguely manipulative and slightly intriguingly articulate dipshit – Toronto, Ontario Missed Connections
3. DO YOU TRUST ONIONS? – Miami, Florida Personals
4. Seeking An Independent, Intellegent Lady! – New York, New York Personals

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