How To Piss Off Bulgarian Women
1. Try to get us drunk.
Quite a few guys have tried to get me drunk on a date, thinking I will become easy and spread my legs wide open on the influence of the fermented juice in my blood. But you see, we Bulgarian women are introduced to alcohol in our teenage years, long before we turned legal age, so our livers are immune to it. When I was twelve, my parents used to teach me how to drink and know my limits to avoid dealing with accidentaly-pregnant-after-unconscious-sex situations. No, we won’t have intercourse with you just because you got us a little tipsy. Your not-so-sneaky agenda will always piss us off.
And no, we won’t carry you home if you are the type of guy who chugs a few vodka shots and starts rolling on the floor naked. Play drinking games with us and be that loser who woke up alone in a closed bar at 10am.
2. Call us “kifla.”
Kifla is the Bulgarian equivalent of the French croissant with filling and it is a word we use for women who put way too much effort into looking good. Spoiled, self-absorbed women don’t have faces and names. They are just kifli (plural of kifla). Any real Bulgarian woman will be offended if you imply she reminds you of а pastry filled with marmalade.
3. Let us be the man.
A lot of us grew up in conditions of scarcity and hardship which made us self-reliant and mentally strong. You can often see the average Bulgarian woman carrying heavy bags, shoveling snow, drilling walls and changing light bulbs at home. We work hard for our money and we love being independent. We can do a lot of things without you, but this doesn’t mean you have to let us do them, unless you want to piss us off. If this is your goal, then ask us to financially support you while you are unemployed and not even looking for a job. Let us do all the work at the office and then come back to a hill of dirty dishes, trash and stinky laundry we have to clean. Sooner or later you will watch us throw your things off the grey Soviet tower block’s balcony.
4. Say that our place is in the kitchen.
Unless you are talking to a professional chef, stating we are nothing more than kitchen material is a sure way to spend the next few hours having dinner all by your sexist self. We have heard this statement countless times from Bulgarian guys and we are sick of it. We don’t mind cooking a nice dinner for you, but if you appreciate us only with your burping stomach and dirty socks, don’t expect us to be overexcited about having sex with you after dessert.
5. Ask if this is our natural hair.
When in Bulgaria, you will encounter many women with long, thick beautiful hair and in times you will wonder if this is a natural look. We are a heterogeneous mass of blondes, brunettes and Snowwhites with jet-black curly hair and super pale skin. It really annoys me when people ask me if I dye my hair or if it is naturally this long and curly. It undermines all these hard efforts I put to make sure my hair looks good and healthy in its natural state. And it doesn’t matter if we look like we have spent half a day at the beauty saloon or if you see extension clips sticking out. We just want to have beautiful looking hair. Go ahead, ask the real or fake question and see what happens next. I dare you.
6. Show zero emotion.
We often refer to people who don’t show any emotion as ‘wood’ (durvo). Wood is plain static. It just sits there and does nothing. We don’t like to date or hang out with wood. In our culture, people are very passionate, temperamental and hearty, and this is especially true for women. Expect us to open up our world for you shortly after we meet. You will feel as though you have known us for ages. But if you close yourself and don’t react to us showering you with sunshiny smiles, then you will have some serious competition to beat – the wooden rawer in our bedroom, that is.
This story was produced through the travel journalism programs at MatadorU.
7. Chicken out.
You just met a beautiful, smart, strong and tender Bulgarian woman. Don’t panic – breathe in, breathe out. Probably the biggest turn off is to show interest and then chicken out because of fear or prejudice. I know, this article is not helping you and you feel even more insecure and on edge after reading this. Women are complicated all over the world and Bulgarian women are no exception. I feel for you. So this is me, giving you a virtual tap on the shoulder, telling you to relax. After all, Bulgarian women have great sense of humor and we try not to take ourselves too seriously. And we are just as nervous about meeting you as you are.