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How to Piss Off Someone From North Carolina

North Carolina
by Lauren Coley Jul 21, 2016

Pronounce it App-a-LAY-shun.

It’s App-a-LATCH-un. Period.

Assume we’re all Conservatives

Our state may be making the news a lot lately for some controversial potty laws but that doesn’t mean we are all super conservative. If you don’t believe us, go spend a weekend in Asheville.

Say Ohio was First in Flight

There’s a long-standing argument between Ohio and North Carolina over who was first in flight. The Wright brothers may have dreamed their plan up in Dayton, Ohio, but they made it happen in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. It was our state that provided the perfect sand dunes and coastal winds that lifted the first powered flight. We acknowledge Ohio’s role in our state becoming first in flight but the title we think more suitable for Ohio is “First in good plans.” Sorry Ohioans.

Cheer for any basketball team other than Duke, Wake, UNC Chapel Hill or NC State.

Chances are we didn’t actually attend any of these schools because they’re all too damn hard to get into (with the exception of State). But we are all die-hard fans of at least one of them anyways. If, god forbid, you cheer for any school other than these just be quiet and don’t get involved. We already argue enough amongst ourselves…. “Duke is Puke. Wake is Fake. The Team I hate is NC State. You can’t go to Heaven on a red canoe, because God’s favorite color is Carolina Blue!”

Eat beef BBQ

There are only two types of BBQ in this world, Eastern NC pork BBQ and Lexington pork BBQ. Every North Carolinian has a very strong opinion on which is the best, usually depending on where they grew up. But deep down, we all know Eastern BBQ is far superior to that tomato-y mess they serve in Lexington. Pass the vinegar please.

Buy a fake Christmas Tree

The highlight of the Christmas season in North Carolina is heading to the mountains to chop down a real, live Christmas tree with your bare hands. After seeing a real Fraser Fir majestically stand over your Christmas presents, a fake tree looks quite tacky. And smells like plastic.

Play the Darius Rucker version of Wagon Wheel

We’ve been howling Wagon Wheel at karaoke bars long before Darius Rucker sang it. The Darius Rucker version is okay, but the Old Crow Medicine Show version will always be the real Wagon Wheel in North Carolina. If you find yourself at a bar it comes on make sure you sing along and yell, “If I die in Raleigh, at least I will die FREEEEE!” as loud as you can, or you will stand out.

Order Un-sweet Tea

Is that like sweet tea’s evil twin brother? Sorry, we don’t have any of that around here.

Have a Florida License Plate in the fall in Western North Carolina

North Carolinians living in the western part of the state loathe Floridians all year round for their blatant lack of driving skills but fall is by far the worst. It brings a whole new breed of Floridian to our roads, the dreaded leaf looker. Driving 15 miles an hour with your head hanging out the window to gawk at leaves is simply unacceptable. Don’t be a leaf looker.

Try to go anywhere besides Cook Out at 2 am

If you’ve never sat in the Cook Out line in the middle of the night to get a five-dollar cookout tray, have you really lived? We think not.

Don’t stop when the “Hot” light is on

North Carolinians are very proud that Krispy Kreme is based out of Winston Salem simply because they’re the greatest doughnuts in the world. Stop in for one when the “Hot” light is on and they’ll have you saying Dunkin’ who?

Ask if Cheerwine is wine

No, Cheerwine isn’t wine, but it’s just as awesome and doesn’t leave you with a hangover. It’s a red, sugary, delicious glass of happiness that pairs well with a warm summer day. Consider it the rosé of the soda world.

Don’t go “All the way”

North Carolinians always go all the way… on our hotdogs and hamburgers at least. If your hotdog doesn’t have chili, onions, and mustard on it, it’s not worthy of being eaten in North Carolina.

But don’t worry, if you forget these things and piss of a North Carolinian, you’ll never know. We’ll just smile, nod and say, “Bless your heart.”

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