1. Whisky is in your blood.
Any bar that doesn’t have at least two shelves of single malt is subpar. Even if you don’t like our national drink, you are, of course, a born whisky expert.
2. Glen’s is in your bloodstream.
Contrary to international belief you didn’t grow up drinking whisky you’re more canny than that. While it may smell and taste like nail polish remover at £12.99 per lire you are likely to have had some epic and possibly terrible nights due to Glen’s Vodka. There is a high probability that you now no longer drink vodka as Glen’s put you off it for life!
3. You can’t fill in the blanks.
Buckfast, makes you #%$* fast. While it may be made in England by the world’s most evil monks you regard Buckfast as nectar of the night gods. Nutritionists will tell you that bucky contains: more caffeine than coffee and more sugar than Coca-Cola! Combine this with a high alcohol content and you have a recipe for madness. For those who have never tried Buckfast it’s a strong fortified tonic wine with a thick consistency that tastes like out-of-date coffee syrup. Editorial caution — drinking Buckfast may lead to negative interactions with the popo, don’t consume it unless you want to wake up to the fragmented memories of terrible mistakes.
4. Ring of Fire is your favorite ‘card game.’
Playing cards with friends means Ring of Fire, a guaranteed hangover, and a high probability of getting laid although you might not remember with whom.
5. You are not diabetic.
Few diabetics make it to adulthood in Scotland, mostly due to Lambrini, a drink so budget that even Lidl doesn’t stock it. This “sparkling wine” contains so much sugar that it can kill a diabetic.
6. Nothing quite compares to the Cowgate.
Be it in the Las Vegas strip or a beach bar in the Caribbean, nothing will ever replace the wet, cobbled streets of the Cowgate and the collection of grimy, dirty, and downright excellent boozers that infest it.
7. You like your drinks cold.
Scottish weather is always unpredictable and winter is always coming. At any time of the year temperatures can easily dip below freezing. This makes you a seasoned all-weather drinker, be it a dreich day on a soggy street corner or perhaps a park bench in bone-pinchingly cold wind. Nothing keeps a Scot warm like a wee drink.
8. A night out will involve the chippy.
Maybe it’s a dirty donner or some smelly king rib, at half three in the morning your autopilot will direct you to the nearest low-cost, low-quality takeaway.
9. You will NEVER mix a drink with Irn Bru.
All true Scots understand the need for one sacred fizzy juice that can never be used as a mixer, for most this is Irn Bru the one-and-only true hangover cure.
10. You are a leading Alconomist.
As a mathematically gifted alcoholic you know the cheapest way to get drunk. Super-strength cider or “hobo’s delight.” This questionable beverage usually comes in two-liter blue or silver bottles. Both you and Alex Salmond know that it’s the cheapest option per unit of alcohol that any supermarket shelf has to offer. Who really cares if it’s never seen an apple and is synthesized from turnips, at a pound per liter Frosty Jacks contains enough alcohol to get even Charlie Sheen wasted.
11. Mixing a good drink is easy.
Edinburgh, Athens of the North contains many sophisticated adults. The best thing about cultured individuals is that they have drinks cabinets. I fondly recall weekends at my friend Tom’s house. He lived in Marchmont, Edinburgh. Locals will of course know that meant his parents had a drinks cabinet. Friday evening was a time for adventure. Before Tom’s parents got back from work we would sneak into the drinks cabinet and we created “Magic Broth” this patent-pending concoction was a unique blend of every single spirit in the cabinet. To avoid detection we would take a tiny amount from each bottle, say a half shot, and pour it all into an empty water bottle. Usually the magic broth ended up a delightful brown colour, and if we added some mint liqueur it would always curdle. For us it was standard to consume the Magic Broth while on the number 5 lothian bus heading to Studio 24. Anyone who grew up in the noughties will remember just how wild things got at the Mission…