Ah, the many thoughts running through a bartender’s head, most of which we reluctantly hold back in front of our guests…
1. What time do you get off?
- “What time are you leaving?”
2. Can you start me a tab please?
- “Is that a Titanium Black AMEX? Don’t be cheap.”
3. I’ll tip you next time.
- “Too bad there won’t be a next time. I already know you aren’t coming back.”
4. It’s my BIRTHDAAAYY! I wanna free birthday shot.
- “How about a barmat shot, that’s free.”
5. What do you like to make?
- “Tips. All bartenders like to make tips. Now, what would you like to drink?”
6. Working in a club must me so much fun!
- “Ya, cleaning up puke/broken glass while babysitting drunks is a blast.”
7. OMG, that bouncer is so rude. How dare he ask me to get off the bar?
- “#1. You are a lawsuit waiting to happen. #2. Everyone can see your hello kitty underwear.”
8. When is the DJ going to play house?
- “Looks like you’re SOL because this is a hip hop club.”
9. I just started dating this guy and he never answers my messages. I’ve left three voicemails, five snapchats, and seven DMs…
- “OMG. Run buddy, run!”
10. I’m not that drunk.
- “Dude, you’re cut off. You just chased your straw around the glass with your tongue.”
11. [Slurring] My drink is so weak.
- “Just wait until I pour the next one.”
12. I lost my phone/purse/shoes/keys/wallet/scarf/umbrella/sunglasses…
- “Come on! Keep track of your belongs. Drunk people love stealing anything and everything, including reserved signs to light-up ice buckets.”
13. Can I have a cranberry vodka?
- “Sorry miss, we don’t carry cranberry flavoured vodka. Would you like to try a vodka cranberry? SMH.”
14. We need a picture.
- “Maybe if I zoom in on their cleavage they’ll stop asking me.”
15. It’s my song!
- “There’s no song playing…”
16. Do you know who I am?!
- “Obviously I do not. You’re the guy asking me who you are.”
17. I don’t believe in tipping.
- “I don’t believe in volunteering at a nightclub.”
18. Surprise me.
- “Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker* it is. Maybe you’ll stop asking me to surprise you.”
*A Bear Fucker consists of equal parts Bacardi 151, Tequila, and Jack Daniel’s. Sounds tasty, right?!