18 things your bartender wants to say back to you, but really can’t

Ah, the many thoughts running through a bartender’s head, most of which we reluctantly hold back in front of our guests…

1. What time do you get off?

“What time are you leaving?”

2. Can you start me a tab please?

“Is that a Titanium Black AMEX? Don’t be cheap.”

3. I’ll tip you next time.

“Too bad there won’t be a next time. I already know you aren’t coming back.”

4. It’s my BIRTHDAAAYY! I wanna free birthday shot.

“How about a barmat shot, that’s free.”

5. What do you like to make?

“Tips. All bartenders like to make tips. Now, what would you like to drink?”

6. Working in a club must me so much fun!

“Ya, cleaning up puke/broken glass while babysitting drunks is a blast.”

7. OMG, that bouncer is so rude. How dare he ask me to get off the bar?

“#1. You are a lawsuit waiting to happen. #2. Everyone can see your hello kitty underwear.”

8. When is the DJ going to play house?

“Looks like you’re SOL because this is a hip hop club.”

9. I just started dating this guy and he never answers my messages. I’ve left three voicemails, five snapchats, and seven DMs…

“OMG. Run buddy, run!”

10. I’m not that drunk.

“Dude, you’re cut off. You just chased your straw around the glass with your tongue.”

11. [Slurring] My drink is so weak.

“Just wait until I pour the next one.”

12. I lost my phone/purse/shoes/keys/wallet/scarf/umbrella/sunglasses…

“Come on! Keep track of your belongs. Drunk people love stealing anything and everything, including reserved signs to light-up ice buckets.”

13. Can I have a cranberry vodka?

“Sorry miss, we don’t carry cranberry flavoured vodka. Would you like to try a vodka cranberry? SMH.”

14. We need a picture.

“Maybe if I zoom in on their cleavage they’ll stop asking me.”

15. It’s my song!

“There’s no song playing…”

16. Do you know who I am?!

“Obviously I do not. You’re the guy asking me who you are.”

17. I don’t believe in tipping.

“I don’t believe in volunteering at a nightclub.”

18. Surprise me.

“Rocky Mountain Bear Fucker* it is. Maybe you’ll stop asking me to surprise you.”

*A Bear Fucker consists of equal parts Bacardi 151, Tequila, and Jack Daniel’s. Sounds tasty, right?!