WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE. You’re traveling. It’s lonely. You miss your ex-boyfriend. Girl, I get it. But do yourself a favor and avoid the following male archetypes. Warning: They often travel in packs and frequent hostels.
1. The Psychic Vampire
He sucks up all your energy. He’s often between relationships. Something of a clit tease. Joni Mitchell once wrote a song about this guy called “Conversation.” “He comes for conversation,” she croons, “I comfort him sometimes.” The catch is that the object of her affection is dating someone else, yet emotionally cheats with Joni. “I want to free him,” she proclaims. Oh girl, get a life. And a new man.
2. The Passive Aggressive Question Asker
This guy feels so self-conscious about taking off six months from his prefabricated five-year plan, and in order to compensate he’ll grill you with questions about what you’re doing with your life. Usually, this relationship doesn’t last beyond a drunken makeout. Once you see his real personality, you’ll make up an excuse about needing to get to La Paz a week earlier than you thought. When he interrogates you about this, tell him you need to pee and then sneak out the back of the bar where you’ve attempted to gently break things off.
3. The Secret Sadist
He seems perfect. Charming to a tee, he’d treat even your remote acquaintances as though they were his own family. But in moments of stress, like when y’all are about to miss a flight, the cracks will start to show. He’ll spew out deeply judgmental statements about you — usually something along the lines of you always do this! or you blew it. Avoid him, he could take years off your life.
4. The Zero to Sixty
I met this guy at a hostel in Argentina once. To be fair, he was a local guy, not a traveler. The second words out of his mouth to me were a marriage proposal. After a restless night at an hourly hotel, I returned to his parents’ veggie stand to say hey. Boy avoided me like a Brazilian soccer fan. I still have fantasies of returning to his neighborhood in Palermo to give him an earful.
5. The Thrill Seekers (Mansplainers)
Often native to Colorado, he’s hiked all the mountains, stayed in all the remote Thai villages, and camped with sherpas. But like, it seems as though he’s just accumulating notches on his man belt. He’s a heavy user of bro speech — dude that volcano was seriously gnarly — and gear talk. There are times when you can’t tell the difference between his words and an REI catalogue.
It’s a good thing boys like this are so pretty, cause there’s usually not much going on up top. Sleep with him for one week, then cut the cord. It will be hard; he’s so nice to look at. To compensate for your time with the thrill seeker, you’ll probably move on to the overly culturally sensitive man. See below.
6. The Overly Culturally Sensitive Man
He often grows in the Bay Area or Seattle. He uses organizer speak, he goes on ad nauseam about folks and their white guilt. A few years ago he had dreadlocks, but cut them off once he realized it was cultural appropriation. Sex with the culturally sensitive man can be really good, but you might die of boredom from all the caveats he places on each opinion.
7. The Citizenship Hunter
If the second words out of his mouth are a marriage proposal, run.