1. Americans need something to complain about.

If the United States decriminalized prostitution, brothels would be regulated and protected safe havens for both workers and clients.

Workers would have access to healthcare, birth control, and disease screening.

Law enforcement would be working to protect workers and clients, instead of working to incriminate them.

Both parties would be safer, with a lesser risk of getting beaten up, raped, kidnapped, or even murdered.

Prostitution would begin to be an integrated part of American society, culture, and tourism.

But where would all of that leave the pearl-clutching, finger-pointing, silently head-shaking citizens of the world? What would they have left to bring up in their Twilight book club next week?

2. Because not in my backyard!

Even though brothels would be isolated places in order to protect confidentiality, and they’d most likely never be established near a school, church, or Talbots department store, I’m very concerned they’d interfere with my daily upper middle-class life.

There would most definitely be an influx in the amount of leather tube tops worn in my neighborhood. And that’s not acceptable.

3. America is super rich, and we don’t need any extra money.

Prostitution in the United States is an estimated $18 billion industry, with none of that money going toward taxes or reducing the federal deficit. If decriminalized, the government could gain money from services as well as licensing fees, boosting the American economy.

But that would be Satan’s money, so, no thank you.

4. Girl, please. That’s not your body.

Just because you walk around in it every day, take it to kickboxing occasionally, and dress it up in a very fashion-forward cocktail dress every Friday night does not mean you get to decide what it does for money.

America has a long history of slapping laws on the body parts of its ladies. It’s one of the things we do best.

5. Everything is our business.

As a proud American, I insist on knowing and passing judgment over all of your sexual needs and desires.

And I have to tell you. I’m very grossed out by that threesome dominatrix fantasy you’ve been thinking about.

6. Because it’s weird.

Who wants to have sex with a highly skilled, competent, and non-judgmental consenting stranger? Seriously, who?

7. Expensive sex puts free sex in jeopardy.

If America legalizes prostitution, then all of the American husbands and boyfriends will rush out and spend their entire life savings on a wild romp at the Motel 6.

Because men have no control and they’re the only ones who want prostitutes.

And wives and girlfriends don’t put out.

And married sex is boring.

And other related stereotypes.