Panama City, Florida
After Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt encouraged students to “do something with your college education and help out those less fortunate,” they adopted their 14th child from Central America. This sent a wave of trendy trustafarians on Alternative Spring Break quests to “save the world” and thus re-routed their plans from Panama City, Florida, to the legit capital of Panama.
Their volunteer experiences never went beyond recycling their empty beer bottles and boosting the local economy through domestic drug sales, but as one really white guy with dreadlocks said, “You get out of the world what you put into it, man.” Panama City, Florida, never recovered from its lack of binge-drinking tourism, slowly transmogrifying into a pile of sand and used condoms.
Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Some rowdy spring breakers decided to revert back their AP English Literature classes and go Lord of the Flies on the beautiful island of Saona. A significant lack of conch shells (due to vacationers pillaging “eco-friendly souvenirs”) prevented them from creating their creepy, infantile democracy, so they drew inspiration from the next best cultural reference — Cast Away — and traveled back to the main island using coconut-oil-powered jet skis.
Once back in Punta Cana, they gathered up all of the beach volleyballs from outlying resorts and created an army of Wilsons. Punta Cana has since shut down its beaches to those aged 18-22, but you can still find traces of paint-stained sports equipment, if you look hard enough.
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
The Walking Dead filmed their pilot episode here during spring break. The producers were inspired by the hoards of slovenly, barbeque-sauce-stained coeds dragging their feet down the boardwalk bemoaning their hangovers. It seems the countless number of pancake houses was also adversely affecting the vegan-friendly, gluten-free college kids, whose best meal option was a fried salad at the nearest titty bar. Their pallid skin, sunken eyes, and overall rabid appearance from binge drinking well into dawn created a cheap set of extras who needed little stage makeup.
Sadly, The Walking Dead moved production to Atlanta, Georgia. None of the spring break extras were compensated, mostly because they thought they were on an episode of Girls Gone Wild.
Red Stripe decided to compete with Red Bull, changing its company tagline to “Red Stripe Gives You Wings, Mon!” This started a feud between the local ganja producers, who claimed their bud was the only Jamaican product that could get people “high as the sky.”
Newscasters scared away potential spring breakers with threats of alcohol/marijuana-related gang violence, set to erupt on 4/20. In true Jamaican fashion, however, everyone remained “irie” and fell asleep on the beach after smoking too many joints washed down with shots of rum.
Cancun lost its allure after the Mayan End-Of-The-World prophecy sort of…fell through. Hospitality agents, attempting to rope in the “90s kid” generation of spring breakers, decided to turn Cancun’s all-inclusive resorts into real-life versions of the hit Nickelodeon show Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Guests must engage in physical challenges in order to check in, answer trivia regarding ancient explorers to rent towels and beach chairs, and dodge the temple guards at dinnertime. This gets pretty hard when you’re schwasted, but there is a “sliver lining” — guests who book the Shrine of the Silver Monkey Suite receive free top-shelf liquor, but only if they remember how to correctly put all the parts of that damn silver monkey back together.
Key West, Florida
The Hemingway House cats are sick of hipsters claiming to be “disciples of Ernie Hems” when really they just repost his quotations on Tumblr. They’ve formed a “pussy patrol” to stop drunken douchebags from penetrating the historic home and have created a litterbox quicksand moat for extra reinforcement.
After a near-fatal tour accident involving a stage fall and too much ecstasy, Jimmy Buffet is literally “wasting away” at his flagship Margaritaville. Spring breakers can find him belligerently staggering down Duval Street, cradling moldy cheeseburgers beneath his whiskey-stained linen leisure shirts.
South Padre Island, Texas
In recent years, environmentalists have made an effort to “clean up the trash” on South Padre Island’s beaches. This includes White Trash, Trailer Trash, Walmart Trash, “International Rubbish” aka Euro Trash, Guido Trash…the list is very extensive. Initiatives include encouraging spring breakers to conserve water by showering in groups, reusing the same red SOLO cup for their entire trip, and using solar energy to dry clothing in the sun while skinny dipping.
Now South Padre Island is an eco-friendly, hippie-style compound. Even party host Paris Hilton has a compost toilet in her broken-beer-bottle-insulated mud hut.
Las Vegas, Nevada
The pop-up wedding chapel franchise has had to compete with other pop-up enterprises, like the pop-up French macaron boulangerie, the pop-up brow-shaping beauty bar, and pop-up divorce courts. Coeds have replaced their cheesy, souvenir “dress up like an old-timey cowboy and bar wench” sepia photos with Instagram-filtered “selfies”; those former tourist attractions have now turned into vintage-style whorehouses.
Spring breakers have either stopped gambling so they can pay off their insane amounts of student loan debt, or they gamble compulsively in hopes they’ll earn enough to buy an iPhone 5. The latter idea quickly fizzled out after youngsters caught Donald Trump group texting emojis to Elvis impersonators. “How do they even know what an iPhone is? Old people are so not cool.”
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