What Bartenders Actually Think of Your Beer Selection

NOWADAYS YOU CAN THROW A STEIN and hit a craft brewery, or a yeast geek quibbling about clarity and ABV levels. Hops — originally added to beer by monks as a boner deterrent — have today become the weapon of choice in a bro battle of bitterness. In honor of the changing face of the American beer drinker, I’ve compiled a list of commonly-ordered beers and the habits of the people who drink them.

AMERICAN PALE ALE: Intrinsically likable, average but dependable, you are the Tom Hanks of beer drinkers. You have never pissed on the side of a building or a stranger. You have a solid handshake and wear sensible shoes.

STOUTS: You are gregarious and demanding. You appreciate the theatrics of a 5-minute pour. You own a cape and talk about head, a lot.

LAGER: You are a staunch traditionalist. If you are not old you are at the very least old school. You balk at authority and the pale, flaccid hands of office workers. You have been in a bar fight.

CIDER: You have never been in a bar fight.

WHEAT: You are living in the year of our lord 1998. You listen to the Gin Blossoms, on cassette tape. You favor laissez faire parenting and vote independent.

IPA: You are loud and fetishistic. You are undeterred by scientific evidence that suggests excessive hops drinking gives you bitch-tits and impotence. Your favorite game is one-upmanship.

PILSNER: You have a precise nature and believe punctuality to be a virtue. You wince at a sloppy pour and masturbate to the Container Store catalog. You floss until you draw blood.

BROWN ALE: You are a middle child fond of understated quality and balanced malts. You smell of wool blankets and reclaimed barn wood.

IMPERIAL anything: You are an elitist and enjoy the sharp yet satisfying taste of your enemy’s tears .

GLUTEN FREE beer: Fuck your life.

LAMBICS: You thrive on obscure cultural references and sexual ambiguity. You are the only person who has ever heard of your favorite band.