THERE’S AN APP CALLED SPREADSHEETS that has been collecting data on how much you and your neighbors are banging. Seriously. One of the measures they track has been how long the average sex session is, and they’ve now compiled that information into a state-by-state graphic as to who has the longest sex and who has the shortest. If you’re from New Mexico, congratulations: You’re having the longest sex at an average of 7:01 minutes per session. If you’re from Alaska, it’s time to buy a thicker condom: You’re averaging 1:21 minutes.

My home state of Ohio is sadly in 41st place, and my current home of DC is in a miserable 45th place. I’m a little hesitant to download the app myself, though, to try and scootch these numbers up, because it apparently also includes measures of “Thrusts Per Minute” and “Maximum Decibels.” And as much as I want to actually know these numbers, I don’t really relish the idea of the NSA knowing what they are, or of trying to explain to my partner why I’m recording our sex.

The full rankings are:

  1. New Mexico – 7:01
  2. West Virginia – 5:38
  3. Idaho – 5:11
  4. South Carolina – 4:48
  5. Missouri – 4:22
  6. Michigan – 4:14
  7. Utah – 3:55
  8. Oregon – 3:51
  9. Nebraska – 3:47
  10. Alabama – 3:38
  11. Delaware – 3:33
  12. Hawaii – 3:28
  13. Wisconsin – 3:22
  14. North Dakota – 3:18
  15. Arizona – 3:17
  16. Maryland – 3:15
  17. Mississippi – 3:10
  18. Rhode Island – 3:09
  19. Connecticut – 3:07
  20. Texas – 3:06
  21. New Hampshire – 3:04
  22. Wyoming – 3:03
  23. New York – 3:01
  24. Pennsylvania – 2:58
  25. Maine – 2:58
  26. Washington – 2:51
  27. Iowa – 2:50
  28. Illinois – 2:49
  29. North Carolina – 2:47
  30. Tennessee – 2:46
  31. Kansas – 2:38
  32. California – 2:38
  33. Massachusetts – 2:31
  34. Florida – 2:29
  35. New Jersey – 2:28
  36. Indiana – 2:26
  37. Virginia – 2:23
  38. Oklahoma – 2:21
  39. Colorado – 2:21
  40. Minnesota – 2:19
  41. Ohio – 2:18
  42. Louisiana – 2:17
  43. Kentucky – 2:14
  44. Arkansas – 2:08
  45. District of Columbia – 2:08
  46. Nevada – 2:07
  47. Georgia – 2:07
  48. Montana – 2:03
  49. Vermont – 1:48
  50. South Dakota – 1:30
  51. Alaska – 1:21
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