(221): I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt. There’s blood EVERYWHERE.
(314): So I went on a date with this girl…and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn’t tell me about to afford my bday present.
(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad……It wasn’t my dad
(423): two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
(706): yeah so i didn’t even realize i was on meth until the next morning
(404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It’s really the little things in life.
(703): I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I’m single.
(902): Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
(512): after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
(504): You’d think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
(989): did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
(978): imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
(410): operation have a gay friend backfired
(813): just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
(770): I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
(225): This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
(440): he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i’m not sure what to feel right now.