1. A guy in Espionage won’t call you a beautiful woman. He’ll check you out, order you a Jägerbomb, and call you a “bonnie haddie.”

Yes, haddie. As in haddock. As in the fish that goes in a fish supper. Classic loon.

2. A Dons fan won’t be mortally embarrassed if Aberdeen lose to Buckie Thistle, but he will be “black affrontit.”

Can’t blame him.

3. When you know you know someone, but you just can’t put your finger on where you know them from, there’s only one thing worth saying: “A ken a ken im, but a da ken far a ken im fae.”

Ken?

4. The bonnie haddies in the Priory haven’t slapped on too much make-up. They’ve absolutely “clarted” it on.

But what’s a quine to do when she’d otherwise be described as having the following?

  • A face like a weet dish-cloot
  • A face like a skelpit airse
  • A face that wid soor milk

Unfortunately, it’s said to be equally true that “Ye canna mak a silk purse oot o’ a soo’s ear.”

5. After one too many shots in Revolution, your blootered pal might have to ask, “Is at a mannie or a wifie?”

You’ll probably just answer, “Dinna fash yersel” (Don’t go to any bother about it).

6. A quine doing the ‘walk of shame’ down Union Street at 11am on a Sunday isn’t an unkempt person. She’s a “hallyrackit craiter.”

What a girl!

7. The scandal on the street isn’t that Sandy’s got a live-in lover. It’s that he’s got a “bidie-in.”

It’s just like an episode of Take The High Road up here.

8. Your pal isn’t asking you for a piece of chuddy halfway up Bennachie when she says, “Hing on a minty.” She’s saying, “Wait for me!”

9. When a mannie runs up Bennachie without stopping for breath, you’d never says he’s an incredible guy. But you would say he’s “some chiel.”

Shame he was running too fast to get his number.

10. Hanging out in Schuh on a Saturday afternoon, you won’t hear anyone say, “Which foot fits which foot?” But you will hear “Fit fit fits fit fit?”

Well, you might.

11. When a chilled out teuchter can’t get a lift into town on a Saturday night, he doesn’t say it’s water off a duck’s back. He says it’s “tatties oer the dyke.”

Fit a lad! Hopefully someone will save the day by saying, “Are ye needin a hurly?” (Would you like a lift?)

12. You don’t know a badly-behaved boy in need of a smacked bottom, but you do know an “ill-tricket loon who needs a skelped dock.”

Aye, he’s a “feel gype” (foolish fellow) indeed.

13. When a mannie’s proud of having an exceptionally beautiful girlfriend, you’ll probably find him pumping his chest outside the Co-op, saying “Ma quine is affa fine.”

Hopefully he’s a fine-looking chiel himself!

14. You can’t help yourself. It’s just too easy to tease your newly “baaldie-heidit” (bald) pal.

Though actually, it suits the wee toonser. It really does.

15. You’ve never heard anyone say, “Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.” But you have heard, “Mony a mickle maks a muckle.”

You know to take heed. After all, who wants to be “as peer as a kirk moose” (as poor as a church mouse)?

16. After getting “drookit” (drenched) in the rain on what was meant to be a nice day out to Dunnottar Castle, you don’t exclaim that you’re totally knackered. You say, “Am fair forfechan!”

17. After a heavy sesh at Aberdeen Sports Village, you don’t have sweaty armpits. You “ave minky oxters.”

Shower time.